Fears and Aspirations

Yesterday I talked about fears holding us back from our true potential and I said I was going to think about what my fears are and what exactly they’re holding me back from. Well, first and and foremost I fear being abandoned by those I love, which in turn leads me to pushing people away before they have a chance to leave. My head goes “I’ll make them leave on my terms before they have a chance to break my heart and leave me by surprise”. That’s not healthy, I know that. Fears lead us to engage in a lot of unhealthy behaviors and actions, knowing is the first step to changing. Secondly, I fear being a bad parent and having my kids grow up feeling as broken and as alone as I did. I know I’ve already made quite a few mistakes when it comes to the kids and I probably overcompensate now by spoiling them when I can. I fear both failure and success. Meaning that I feel I set my goals too high and instead of failing to reach them organically and learning and growing from that I set myself up for failure and sit and wallow in that. I fear judgement and disappointing those I love, which kind of couples with my previous fear. Growing up everyone had dreams and aspirations for me, thing s they knew or thought they knew I was capable of but things I either didn’t want to do or didn’t think I could live up to. I’ve lit my whole world on fire many a time out of fear. “You can’t expect greatness from me anymore if I’ve never shown you anything but disaster”. What a sad existence is that? But that’s how so many of us live; in a constant state of extinguishing fires of our own design just to occupy our time and wondering why we’re stuck in this vicious cycle of going nowhere fast. Since I was little all I wanted to do was help people. I always say I’ve been cursed (blessed) with a face (aura) that draws people in and prompts them to tell me ridiculously intimate things about themselves within 30 seconds of meeting them. It drives my husband nuts because anywhere we go I spend 45 minutes stuck in what seems like an uncomfortable conversation with the cashier about how much he hates his mom. This happens everywhere, it always has. I have a gift for listening, understanding and making people feel heard. I love to write and speak, I love the feeling of captivating people and feeling like my experiences have meaning. I have done and been through a lot and if I can share that with others so they can avoid the abyss I’m trying to climb out of that would fill me with nothing but pure joy on the deepest level. Watching people suffer unnecessarily breaks me, and watching people suffer unnecessarily at their own hand because of their own self doubt rips me to shreds. I’m here today to say that if I can find the light so can you and I’d love to hold your hand through it if you need me to.