We live fast and die pretty

My baby is sick….she’s been up since about 230 crying and talking and flopping around. It’s now 4 and she’s been sleeping for about 30 minutes and I took that time to meditate. Its been a long time since I’ve given any thought to the people I’ve lost to their addictions, but this morning I heard your voice and I feel I need to share. I’m not even sure how to begin this, because there’s so many thoughts. I’ve lost so many people to their addictions; so many are in prison and even more are dead and buried, so many in fact I’ve grown numb to phrase “hey ____ died..”. What a terrible thing to say, how in the world do you become numb to the fact that most the people you grew up with are dead and you’re not even 30 yet? I’ll tell you, because that was just a normal part of the life I had been living. I used to listen to a song where the last line was “we live fast and die pretty”. I used to live my life based entirely on that phrase, I knew I wasn’t invincible, but I wasn’t worried about dying either. I sit here and I think about how broken I was, how broken we all must have been, to just expect to wake up to another death notification just waiting for it to be our own. It makes me cry now to look at my kids and even try to imagine them going through that hell. I remember sitting in my own house alone in the winter with no electricity except for an extension cord running from the neighbors house to a space heater in my living room. I remember sitting there cold, alone, bleeding and thinking “this isn’t the life I imagined”. We lived fast but there was no dying pretty. It was a slow and painful and ugly death. I was so full of self loathing and hate for the world and everyone in it. I wanted out, but I thought death was the only option. I didn’t realize that I held the power to change everything about my life. I wallowed in self pity for years just waiting for something good to happen to me. It took me years and years to realize that good things were happening all around me but I chose to ignore them because they weren’t the things I was looking for. My heart breaks for all of you that have gone without knowing what a better life is like, who left without knowing true hope or genuine happiness. I just hope you’ve found peace on the other side. To anyone still suffering just know you aren’t alone, you are so loved, and there is hope. A better life is waiting for all of us we just have to get up and go get it. I know I’m far from perfect and I’ve got a lot more work to do, but I’ve come a long fucking way and I couldn’t have done it alone. To everyone that has stood with me throughout this journey, thank you for never giving up.