Struggles in pregnancy

I’ve been pregnant twice now in the last two years. My daughter will turn 1 in April and my son is due the end of March and honestly I’ve been struggling with being pregnant. By that I don’t mean I’ve had a rough pregnancy with either of them by any means; they’ve actually been dream pregnancies compared to most people I talk to. What I’m struggling with is body image issues. That sounds silly right? I’m 5’4 and I’ve never weighed over 120lbs, but a constant and super unhealthy mantra that plays through my head is “boys don’t like fat girls”. That’s horrible and consciously I know that isn’t true, there are boys that like big girls, but I also know I’m not fat I’m 8 months pregnant (again). I currently weigh 154lbs and I have 5 stretch marks that I can see (in the mirror). I know this sounds vain but it’s almost devastating to me. My whole life I’ve beaten and abused my body in every way you can think of. Since I was little I was always taught to believe physical beauty trumps physical health and well being. If I looked a certain way or got above a certain size I would no longer be beautiful and therefore would lose my value as a person. Now again I know consciously that is ass backwards and a sad way to think but when I look in mirror I hate what I see. I feel out of control of the one thing that’s usually the only thing completely in my control. No matter what was going on in my life my body and the way I look has always been the one constant thing I can control wholly. I can control the scars I have, the tattoos I want, how big or how small I am, but not now. I can’t do anything to get smaller, I can’t control the scars on my stomach and thighs and it almost scares me to lose control over myself. I love my kids and I can’t wait to be a mommy to this sweet little boy, but I can’t wait for my body to be my own. I almost envy the moms that say they loved being pregnant, that take cute maternity photos, that say they felt cute and confident when they were pregnant, because I just feel fat and awkward and uncomfortable. I think my family must know this because they check in constantly to make sure I’m eating during and after my pregnancies; which I am, there isn’t much I wouldn’t do to make sure my babies are healthy. I take my vitamins, eat right, quit smoking cigarettes, I plan to breast feed again. But I want my body back and I feel selfish when I say that. Even though I’m huge and pregnant right now there are things within my control that are healthy that I can and do do to make myself feel a little bit better. I work out at least twice a day, I eat a pretty healthy diet, I’ve been doing whitening treatments on my teeth (years of coffee and cigarettes weren’t too nice to them), I’ve been doing lash and eyebrow treatments to help them grow, I shower daily and use my favorite lotions and perfumes so I smell like a goddess, and I’ve been letting my hair grow out so I can go get a new haircut soon. My body may not be my own right now, but I’ll get one of the greatest gifts I could imagine at the end of this, another beautiful perfect baby and I can’t wait to meet him. I will still bear the scars it takes to bring him here but the other things will be temporary. I’m trying to work out my insecurities now so I don’t end up unwittingly beating the same unhealthy lessons into my children. Your worth is not dependent on your size or physical appearance. Your body is a temple for you to love and treat with kindness. You have more to offer the world than how you look. Your body is yours to control, but it’s not the only thing you control. The world is yours to make of it what you wish. Be kind to yourself and share your best self with the world.