Respect and Fear

I grew up in a household where yelling, name calling, and belittling were normal things. I had many previous relationships where physical violence solved problems. I grew up and stayed very quietly angry until I’d explode about ridiculous things. Hostility solved problems and fear equated respect. As I’ve grown I’ve learned this is NOT the way to live nor is it the way to treat anyone else. Just because I know this isn’t the way doesn’t mean that I don’t struggle with it from time to time. Knowing is just part of battle, I’ve also had to learn healthy replacement behaviors, and consciously taking the time to implement those behaviors. It takes a lot of work to be able to take a step back from a situation and readdress it when I’ve had a chance to look at the situation objectively and have a level head. When I say a lot of work, I mean ITS A LOT OF WORK. I’ve learned that I am not someone that speaks my thoughts or feelings well. I am however very good at putting my feelings and thoughts in writing. That works for most problems I have. But there are instances where I have to articulate the words to express how I’m feeling and why, particularly when it comes to parenting. I have made the conscious decision to not have my children mistake fear for respect. Some days are very hard because I want to yell at them or smack their hands or smart mouths. A lot of the time I need to walk away and talk with their dad about how to handle what they did or said appropriately, because I want them to understand what they did or said was wrong and why instead of just fearing being in trouble and the repercussions. I don’t ever want my kids to be scared to tell me something because they’re afraid of my reaction. I want them to be able to tell me everything and be able to be a reliable source of support even when they are in the wrong. I don’t want my children to fear me. Fear is not the same as respect. I want my kids to look up to me, I want them to be open and host with me, I want them to be able to lean on me, but I also want them to respect me and know there are things that aren’t okay and there are repercussions for actions, but I don’t ever want them to fear physical or verbal abuse as a result of their actions. Sometimes I regret how I react and then I need to own it and apologize and explain why my reaction was wrong and even though what they did was wrong I shouldn’t have reacted the way I did. We are human and we make mistakes but our kids deserve an apology as much as anyone else does if we wrong them. No one deserves to live in fear, everyone makes mistakes, we can learn the difference between right and wrong but we must also live what we preach. Our kids will see hear our actions much louder than our words. Show them how to love and respect themselves and others and they will mirror it.