Hey, remember how bad that sucked?

I might vomit butterflies and shit rainbows over here most days, but that doesn’t mean I don’t have days where I struggle too. There’s days where I’m bored and my mind wanders back to when my life was complete and utter chaos and for whatever reason my brains goes “wasn’t that fun?”. Why is it that our brains do that? Because I can actually recall very few times over the last fucked up decade of my life that were truly “fun”. I hear people tell war stories laughing about the good ole days and sometimes I want to chime in, but why? Why are we glamorizing and romanticizing the absolute worst and ugliest periods of our lives? Sometimes I think it’s just the chaos that I was so comfortable in that I miss some days, the constant activity and adrenaline rushes, but other than that if I really sit and think about it, there’s not one fucking thing I’d give up to go back to that point in my life. I willingly handed over everything I said I loved just to feed the darkness until I had nothing else to give and now I’m working my ass off to get those things back. Living in the fast lane doesn’t last forever, it eventually comes to an ugly screeching halt somehow or another and then you’re left with nothing but yourself and the rubble you’ve created. Here’s what I’m missing out on if I’m being honest with myself: wondering where my next high is going to come from, wondering if my house is going to get broken into, wondering if my car is going to be vandalized, wondering if I’m going to be able to pay my bills, trying to keep up with the lies I’ve been telling everyone, checking the warrant lists for multiple different counties, wondering where I can hide at, who’s couch I’m going to sleep on, wondering if I’m going to eat today, hiding when someone knocks at the door unexpectedly, wondering if it’s the cops and if they’re going to kick it in, wondering if that’s just a normal car behind me or if it’s warrant task force to get us, wondering if I’m going to get a call from the jail or a hospital because someone hasn’t answered me for 24 hours or more, avoiding everyone I love, filling myself with substances to fill the hollow void I’ve created within myself by single handedly destroying my life over and over again for this dumb ass life style I keep chasing for no reason whatsoever other than I’ve got myself convinced I’m having “fun”. I don’t think I knew what fun really was. Good times were sprinkled few and so far between during that time in my life. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it forever ITS NOT COOL TO BE A FUCKING LOSER. I still have panic attacks when I hear sirens or see the cherries behind me. I still have nightmares and wake up in cold sweats because of shit I’ve gone through. I still cry about the repercussions of some of the choices I’ve made. Active addition isn’t fun, but we’re really good at telling ourselves it was. You want to know what’s actually a lot more fun than any of that? Waking up at home to my family, hearing my kids laugh and play, having the opportunity to be a mommy, watching my husband grow into the most amazing human being I’ve ever known, being surrounded by those I love, having continual love and support, being open and honest with everyone around me, not having to lie or sneak around, finally being stable, finally picturing my future and how beautiful it’s going to be. My life may not be nearly as exciting now, but I wouldn’t trade any bit of it. I am safe, I am stable, I am happy, I am loved, I am learning, and I am growing. My life has meaning and my life is worth living. I can’t imagine a worse fate than dying a senseless death without having the opportunity to have even tried to reach my full potential. So yeah sometimes I have a bad day and I get stuck in the past, but I remember what that actually entailed and how lost and miserable I was and I get the fuck up and I vomit butterflies and shit rainbows because someone out there is stuck in the dark looking for the light that I’ve found and I’m going to share it.