Plenty of love to go around

If you ask me how many kids I have I’ll tell you 6. I have 5 sons and a daughter. I have now given birth to 2 children of my own, I have my son who’s adopted, and I have 3 steps and then I have their two moms as coparents with my husband and myself. I get a question all the time that drives me a little bit crazy and only because the ignorance behind it hurts my heart. I get asked frequently, “aren’t you worried you’ll love your kids more than the other ones?” And what I assume people are asking is if I’m worried that I’ll love the two kids I’ve given birth to more than my other four kids, which doesn’t even compute in my brain. This question I assume comes from people with little to no experience with a blended family. I mean it’s absolutely different to have given birth to a baby, to know that you actually MADE that tiny person is incredible, but in no way does that equate to more love. We are not born with a certain amount of love that we have to distribute throughout our relationships, love is boundless and ever growing. My mom has always said that you can never have enough people to love you, and I’ll go the other way with that too and say you can never love too many people. There’s no such thing as running out of love to give. These kids have been a part of my life for most of their lives; they’re the reason my heart beats, why I get up in the morning, and they saved my life entirely. I spent a good portion of my relationship with them fucking up and trying to make amends and I’m by no means perfect or cured, but I do feel that I’m in the best place I’ve ever been, my head is clear, and my priorities are finally aligned properly. I have to say after being able to look objectively at my life I am so thankful for the boys’ moms. I spent a lot of time trying to be angry at them for choices that they made TO PROTECT THEIR CHILDREN from the shit storm that I was. How dare I, I mean that, how dare I be angry at a mom that was making probably some of the hardest decisions ever in order to protect their children and then giving me chance after chance to be a parent after fucking up so many times. The entitlement on my part for that anger and bitterness I held onto for too long is almost nauseating. These two women put themselves on the front line for their kids and I was much too selfish to see that. It has taken me a long time to see and understand that I am truly grateful for them, not only because they gave me an opportunity to be a mom, but because they are amazing moms and role models to our kids. I love our kids more than the air I breathe and they are half the man I love and half their moms. And while we were less than parents for quite some time their moms stepped up and created some of the most astounding human beings I’ve ever had the pleasure to know let alone been given the opportunity to call my kids. I didn’t get to “choose” to be a mom figure to them, I was given that chance by the two amazing women these boys call “mom” and I think that means a helluva lot more than people realize. So to anyone that asks; yes it’s a lot different to have given birth to kids, but different doesn’t mean more or better. I love all my kids equally and I love their moms and I love seeing the amazing people they are turning into and I love more than anything be able to be apart of that. There’s no such thing as too much love.