Learning curve

So, I spent probably 30 minutes last night barricaded in my bathroom ugly crying. I had just stormed out of my room after yelling at my daughter because I could not get her to lay down and screeching at my husband who was casually laying in bed to help me. I felt incredibly frustrated, out of control, and inadequate. My in laws had my infant son upstairs with them while we tried to tame my daughter and she just wasn’t going for it. I ran to the bathroom and cried, hard. A series of thoughts ran through my head starting with; what kind of mom needs help getting both her tiny babies to bed at the same time? What kind of mom yells at an almost one year for not wanting to sleep? What kind of mom needs someone to help watch her kids so she can pump? What kind of mom needs someone home so she can shower? What kind of mom needs someone home so she can do average housework like put away the clothes that have been sitting on the floor clean for the past week? What kind of mom can’t find time to just read her book? What kind of mom storms out of her own room at bedtime to hide in the bathroom and cry? After coming out of the bathroom and finding my husband and daughter asleep I laid in bed until my in laws brought my son downstairs and I snuggled him and started thinking. There’s nothing wrong with needing help, there’s nothing wrong with feeling frustrated, there’s nothing wrong with feeling overwhelmed. This two babies at one time is brand new to me, I haven’t learned how to function completely independently with the two of them yet and it’s scary, and new, and frustrating, and stressful sometimes. I’m still learning how to make time for myself. With Arie it was easy I’d just get up earlier than her to accomplish what I wanted, but adding in Kaja that’s nearly impossible. He gets up every 2-3 hours to eat, my boobs wake me up at least twice to pump, and those two will often times take turns waking each other up throughout the entire night, so getting up earlier isn’t the answer because this mama is fucking exhausted. So, I need to learn how to find time to shower, pump, do housework, and find time to work on me during the day. Right now I wait until someone else is home with me to occupy Arie at least since she’s a bit of a mobile terrorist, Kaja is easy because he’s still stationary but that makes him an easy target for Arie. I know I’ll figure out these things on my own eventually, but right now needing all this help has me feeling inadequate as a person and a mother. Like I’m seriously lacking in major departments that should come naturally. I know that isn’t true but trying to combat those thoughts is hard some days. I feel like I’m doing my best, but sometimes my best isn’t enough. I want to be able to handle everything on my own and I know that’s a ridiculous expectation to have of myself. I’m trying to take a break and breathe and know that I am doing a great job, no one is perfect, and it’s perfectly okay to need to help a lot of the time. Help doesn’t mean we’re weak, it’s having someone to lean on until I can figure out how to do it myself. There’s definitely a learning curve to having kids 11 months apart and I will get the hang of this, but until then I will be patient and gentle with myself because we are all learning.