This is something I don’t talk about a lot, but it’s a major part of my life and who I am as a person. I am the stereotypical chick with daddy issues. My parents divorced when I was small and I bounced back and forth between their homes until I was 4. When I was 4 my “dad” was supposed to pick me up and he never came. I tried to call him the next morning thinking it was a mistake. When I called his girlfriend answered and when I asked to talk to him she hung up on me… I remember every moment of this like it was yesterday, I still get that knot in my stomach, and I can feel the ugly cry stuck in the back of my throat just waiting to rip it’s way out. Maybe he thought I was young enough to forget about him, maybe he thought I’d never remember it, maybe he thought I’d get over it or move on. I can say that none of that is what happened. I can tell you that I had night terrors for years. When I went to kindergarten I cried every day after school because I thought my mom was going to just leave me there. This permanently affected my entire life and every relationship I’ve ever had. I lived most of my life thinking in the back of mind that there was something wrong with me, that I wasn’t worth love, that eventually everyone would leave me. I mean how could I not? I was a little girl and even my daddy didn’t love me enough to stay so why would anyone? Through years and years of therapy and introspection I know this isn’t true, I know it wasn’t me that was damaged, that it was his problems not mine that caused him to leave. I still, as a 27 year old adult and parent, have a hard time making sense of him leaving without a trace or second thought. It doesn’t make sense to me. There’s no scenario on the planet where I could justify it. I flip flop back and forth between being indifferent about it and be incredibly and violently angry about it. I don’t feel my mom handled the situation wrong at all, she did everything she could for me and she’s amazing. But how do you fix that? You can’t. As a parent there’s just some wounds you can’t heal for them. I know if I were in her shoes I would’ve handled it differently…probably much worse. I’d have hunted him down and burned that fucking house to the ground with him in it. I’d rather spend of day of the rest of my life in prison than let my child grow up thinking that there was something so wrong with them that even their dad didn’t want them. See, I’m not actually indifferent about it. I hold a lot of anger and hide it behind a facade of indifference. But I don’t know how to let that go. I don’t know how to not be mad when I know that he left me to start a new family and he’s never once tried to contact me. I have so many questions. Why would you do that to me? Why wasn’t I good enough? If you could do it again would you do anything differently? I want to scream at him and spit in his face. I want to tell him that he better cherish his other kids and he better never let them feel the way he made me feel nearly my entire life. I hope that he is truly unhappy. I hope that his existence is agony. I hope that he knows that there’s a special place in hell for people like him, for people that willing induce suffering on the innocent. I hope he knows that I hate him. I know forgiveness is for yourself and it should be freeing, but I don’t know how to do that in this case. Until then I am indifferent.
Daddy issues
I’m Working on It 
I’m sorry this happened to you. I know it can hurt a lot, and it can hurt for a long time. I’m 40 and I’m still affected by my own father leaving when I was a baby (later he died, so I can’t even ask him why). Looking at my own baby I don’t know how anyone could abandon their child. But look at us, breaking the cycle of abuse! ❤️🙌 That’s something to rejoice about. I send you many hugs.
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Thank you and I’m sorry that happened to you too 🫶🏻
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You will find your peace someday. You are not alone! Unfortunately there are many children who have been through the same. It’s really difficult to understand how any parent could leave a child or their children. Forgiveness is also a difficult choice. But this will be your choice to forgive and forget! You can’t go back and redo it and who would want too? Believe you have taken the high road to better yourself and break that chain of neglect. Remember to always look to the future and not the past! You deserve better! ❤️
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Thank you I love you 💕
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Ugh. This makes me feel a lot of anger, sadness, and anxiety. As a dad, it hurts my heart for you – someone’s daughter.
Yes, forgiveness is hard. I’m finding that if I can remember all the times and ways I’ve been forgiven, it’s easier to allow that forgiveness to flow through me to others. But I said “easier” – not easy.
I’m grateful you chose to share this with us. We can literally rewrite our stories – writing helps us build new neural pathways, by which we can make the connections needed to bring about the changes wanted.
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Sharing helps me to feel stronger and hopefully gives someone else the strength to share their stories. Things happen to us that are “okay” and sharing them helps to heal us all 💕
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❤️🩹
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Do you like to read? For what it’s worth, I’d like to suggest a book (a novel) that was difficult for me yet very powerful in my own healing journey. It’s called The Shack by Wm. Paul Young.
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I love to read (listen rather)! I will check it out thank you!!
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Sorry.. you had to go through this… certain things in life requires more healing time.. I don’t know what to say.. but I know tomorrow isn’t going to be the same as today.. there will be changes always.. this pain, remorse, wound and all of it will eventually heal I believe.. and I wish it happens soon to you…
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Thank you 💕
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My heart breaks for your little four year old self. Hell, my heart breaks for your adult self too. There is nothing anyone can say to take away that pain, but his actions are a direct reflection of who HE is/was, not you. My daughter’s bio father left her when she was 2. Then conveniently remarried and brought 2 other kids into this world. I pushed and prodded and did everything in my power to establish a relationship between my daughter, her bio dad, and new family, albeit long-distance. It never “stuck”. I’m not sure there is anything your mama could’ve done to help the situation. Men like that are weak, and in my honest opinion, don’t deserve the tears, the energy, or the title of ‘father’. I hope you can eventually find peace.
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I agree! I’m sorry your family has had to go through this too! I wouldn’t wish that feeling on anyone. And I know that it’s absolutely a direct reflection on him and I agree he’s a weak disgusting human being, but more than anything I still want to ask him to his face “why?”
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I would ask yourself – what would confronting him solve? Best case scenario, he would apologize. Would that tame the demons? Would that put you in a better place or would it stir up MORE hurt? Sometimes we don’t get closure. Sometimes, the only closure we have is with ourselves. Write it out. Get it on paper and out of your head. Then set fire to that piece of paper. Literally. That really has helped me in the past deal with narcissistic assholes that OWE me a million apologies, that will never come.
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I love this. You’re totally right getting an answer or an apology or an explanation isn’t going to make anything right and isn’t going to make me feel better because I deserve more than that. I deserved to have a dad that loved me and I’ll never get that
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Yes, you deserved so much better. I don’t know you, but your writing is beautiful. That man missed out being part of a pretty cool chic’s life. His loss.
In my experience, because I’ve been dealt a couple of shit hands in the parental department myself, the best thing to do is take the bad and vow to NEVER be like that. We can’t change the past but we can learn how to not repeat the past.
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