Hard is good

Today will be my second day back the work force after 2 years and is tiniest babies’ third day of daycare. Everyone keeps asking the same two questions; “Was it hard going back to work?” and “Did you cry when you brought them to daycare?” Here’s the thing; both those things were hard, not physically, but emotionally. My tiniest babies have never been away from me and leaving them in the care of someone else is hard. Going to work and being away from them is hard. That being said even though it’s hard, it’s good for us. It’s good for me to go to work, earn some money, get some time away from the kids, and feel like I’m contributing more. It’s good for the kids to go to daycare, be around other kids, learn new things, and develop their independence. I didn’t cry, I ask them how much fun they had and what they learned because my husband says you shouldn’t talk bad about what is best for you. And he’s right, if I cry or freak out or act sad about leaving then there it’s only going to make it harder on them. If I tell them to have fun with their friends and learn lots and smile when I drop them off it’s going to be a much easier transition for them. I don’t need any negativity surrounding what is best for my family, so I’m going to be happy about it because even thought it’s hard it’s a good thing. In all honesty my biggest struggle was with dropping off Arie, because she’s old enough to notice. Kaja is still basically human larva so it doesn’t impact him as much. I have my own abandonment issues and dropping her off the first day she was fine until I came back and she burst into tears and then when I went to drop her off the second day she was a bit more hesitant for me to put her down because last time I left her there. And that makes me sad. Seeing her panic because I’m leaving makes me stomach knot up so hard I could throw up. I wish I could explain to her and have her understand, as her 1 year old little self, that mommy will always come back. The thought of her being there and being sad because she doesn’t have us makes me want to cry. I don’t ever want her to feel like I’ve abandoned her or that I don’t want to be with her. But that’s my issue. Those are my feelings, I have no idea if that’s how she feels or not, because she is 1 and she can’t tell me that and it’s not right for me to impose my feelings of abandonment on her. My trauma isn’t hers and I can’t put that in her. She’s a baby and she’s going to be sad about not being with us for a few hours a day because it’s not what she’s used to, but it’s only for a few hours and soon this will be her regular routine and she is going to have fun and look forward to it. So yes, this is all hard, but it’s hard because of my own feelings and my own issues. Here are some truths; this is hard, this will get easier, this is good for us. Nothing good for us is ever easy, but being uncomfortable is a sign that we’re growing.