TRIGGER WARNING

I was laying in bed last night sleeping next to my husband and our two tiniest babies and I was just in awe of my life. My life is far from perfect, but it’s beyond amazing. The first picture is me in 2017 nodded out on heroin, the second picture is me in 2023 heading to my own wedding reception. My life in 2017 was an absolute train wreck, but from the outside looking in it was great. I had a good job, I worked front desk and lead sales at State Farm Insurance. I owned my own mobile home. I had 2 nice cars and a car payment on both of them. I wore make up, nice clothes, and heels to work every day. I lived with the guy I had dated all throughout high school. People thought we were doing well, it certainly looked like we were, but that was the whole point. The whole goal was to look like everything was fine. That’s how I had lived my entire life, if everything looks fine, and everyone thinks I’m fine, then I’m fine. No one knew that my bank account was constantly negative. No one knew that I spent every cent I made on heroin. No one knew I went home to get high on my lunch break so I didn’t get sick at work. No one knew I had concealer up and down my arms. No one knew my power got shut off all the time. No one knew how bad our fights got. No one knew there was never food in my house. No one knew I was washing clothes in the dark in my bathtub. No one knew I had to replace my front door 3 times because it had been kicked in on 3 separate occasions. No one knew I funded my bills and drugs will illegal ventures. No one knew how bad off I was because I was good at faking it. I was a fucking professional at making sure you knew I was doing great. It wasn’t until shit hit the fan that all the shit started raining down at once. I thought that was going to be my life forever, however long forever was going to be, not long I suspected. I never expected to have anything different than what I was used to, struggling in silence and living the saddest existence. I never expected to get married. I never expected to have children. I never expected to be happy. I never even expected to live this long. How horrible is that? But that’s the truth for far too many people. I never wanted help, never thought I needed help. I thought I could do it all myself, I was used to doing it all myself. I had too much pride and I thought there was too much shame in asking for help. My salvation wasn’t treatment, I’d been to treatment so many times; inpatient, outpatient, counseling, DBT, CBSA, MRT, Drug Court, you name it I’ve done it and I’ve graduated it because I can give people exactly what they need to think I’m okay. I’m a sales woman at heart and a good one at that. I’d sell you on the fact that I’m doing just fine all the while falling completely to pieces. I found my salvation in a jail cell. It took multiple incarcerations, forced stints of sobriety, and isolation for me to realize that this isn’t what I wanted out of life. I didn’t know exactly what I wanted, but if I was going to live I wanted to LIVE not just survive. There is no pleasure in constantly running from that which only seeks to love you. I finally set my pride aside and I let myself feel that love that I had been running from, that love I’d been avoiding, that love I kept pushing away, that love I kept lying to. I finally felt what it was like to be cared for, I finally felt hope. For the first time in forever I had hope and I was surrounded by so much love and finally getting high wasn’t even an option anymore. The desire to run away and hide within myself and behind substances dissolved. I’m finally able to be me. I’m able to give and receive love. I’m able to be open and honest with myself and others. Today I live a life that I love. I’m close with my family. I have an amazing husband who is focused on elevating both of us. I have 6 perfect children. I have regained my faith. I have hope for today and for the future. And I hope to help those who are as lost and as broken as I was. I have found the light and I want nothing more than to spread it.