Survivor’s guilt

Survivor’s guilt amongst addicts is a very real and very common thing, I speak on this from experience. I’ve seen more of my friends buried than married. The last time I counted was years ago; at least 13 dead and at least 5 in federal prison for decades of their lives for choices they had made. These are people I went to school with, people I grew up with, people I spent years of my life with; just gone one day. When you’re actively using you’re almost numb to the news that another one of your friends was found dead. Once you get sober there comes a day that the realization that those people are gone forever becomes soul crushingly real. For me it hit all once; it was like I had stepped in front of a train. I couldn’t breathe I was sobbing so hard. These people that I LOVED will never be with me again. All these memories and all these harsh realizations were breath taking, bone break, soul sucking and I felt it all. I felt everything so much. This sudden loss that I had never allowed myself to feel before was so huge now I had no idea what to do with it. I’d never processed through loss before and I felt so much guilt. Guilt that I was here and they weren’t. Guilt that they would never get another chance to live and I did. Guilt that I was fucking this chance up. Guilt that they were more worthy of this chance than me. Guilt that I should’ve done something to save them. Guilt that maybe if I would’ve done something different they’d still be here. Guilt because I thought it was somehow my fault they were gone. Guilt because I loved them and I hated me and now I’m stuck here with just me and these memories and these feelings that I didn’t know what to do with. I remember this one time I hadn’t gotten high for a few days and I was so sick. I was throwing up and dry heaving and shaking so bad it was like I was having a seizure but fully conscious. The guy I was dating at the time was trying desperately to find drugs when one of my friends burst in the house and started screaming at him. She hit him over and over again just yelling “you need to do something, you need to do something!” He held up his phone and said he was trying. She started swinging harder and said “not that you stupid mother fucker! You need do something DIFFERENT AND NOW! She’s going die. You’re going to wake up one day SOON and she’s going to be dead and it’s going to be YOUR FAULT BECAUSE YOU’RE TOO SELFISH TO ACTUALLY DO SOMETHING” and then she sat on the floor and cried for a long time. That’s exactly what survivors guilt for an addict feels like, everything she felt said, did, and felt right there. That used to echo in my head all the time. What if I would’ve DONE SOMETHING, done anything other than get high with these people, then maybe they’d still be here. Maybe if I hadn’t been so selfish. Maybe if I had spoken up. Maybe if I had asked for help. Maybe if I’d just done something different I wouldn’t be here alone with just memories and regrets. Here’s the thing I’ve learned, that thinking is wrong. It’s flat out wrong. Yes, you absolutely could’ve made different choices, but in reality would it have really changed the outcome? As it pertains to other people, probably not. You can’t change anyone that isn’t ready for change. You can’t show people the light that don’t believe it exists. The only person you are capable of saving is yourself. So do it. Save yourself, because no matter what you are worth saving, you are worth this life you’ve been given. Make a come back so great it inspires others to do the same.