Today I had the brilliant idea of going through old photos to send out in a letter to my half brother. Photos from when I was so small. Photos from when I had a daddy that loved me. After he left my mom sent him all the photos with him in them back to him. I don’t blame her at all, but you never know that you want to see something until you get it. My aunt Tammy had given me a bunch of pictures she had saved for me. I’m going through them right now on my bedroom floor and to be honest I’m crying. I’m crying so hard I can barely see alone on my bedroom floor into a pile of photos of people that no longer exist in the world that I live in. I’m looking at these photos wondering who are these people. They look so happy. Who could we have been. How did we get here. Why are we here. Why did you do this. I’m looking at these photos of this happy little girl. This happy little girl that loves her daddy so much and it looks like he loves her too. But how could he? How could he have ever loved her? Looking at these photos of this tiny happy baby and thinking she has no idea what’s about to happen. It’s like watching a horror movie where you know if they open the door the bad guy is going to pop out but you can’t stop them from opening it. It’s like watching a horror movie, but this is my life. I’m that little girl that looks so happy with her family. That little girl that is so innocent. I’m that little girl that has no idea what’s coming for her. I’m that little girl who lost her innocence the day her daddy decided he didn’t want her anymore. I’m that little girl that knew at such a young age how cold and cruel the world could really be. I’m the little girl that still smiled for all the photos, but that sparkle is gone. I’m that little girl that had to morn the loss of someone who is still living just fine. I’m that little girl curled up on the floor in a pile of photos of ghosts from a life that never got to exist. I wish I could warn her. I wish I could make her hear me through the photos, through space and time, tell her; tell them all what’s about to happen. I wish I could’ve stopped it. I don’t understand. Looking at the photos and seeing my own daughter in my tiny face, I don’t get how you could’ve done that to me. What was so much more important? What was so awful? What made you decide that out of all the things in your life that I was the one that was optional? Why was that little girl that loved you more than anything an option that you could go on living without?
I’m Working on It 
Those are some heavy emotions. It’s beautiful that you can share them here with such realness. I pray you can hold them with a good dose of compassion and gentleness. For you. For the little girl you were and the young lady you are now. You’ve done a lot of good work to get here. You have much reason to be optimistic and proud of yourself.
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This just broke me. It was horrible to live through the first time. To live through it through your eyes now breaks my heart. Having been abandoned by my own father, I understand how you feel, but that doesn’t help me know what to do to help you.
Please be kind to yourself. Remember, there was nothing you could’ve done about this. You were a child, a very sweet, beautiful, innocent child who didn’t deserve any of this. It does not speak anything about you. It only speaks to his brokenness.
The kindest thing I ever did for myself was to forgive my father. It’s very difficult to do and that does not mean that you condone any of his behavior or reasoning. It does not even mean there’s a place in your life for him. But I pray that you can find a way to forgive him and let it go. I pray for Christ peace to be upon you and to fill you.
I am so proud of you and how you have turned your life around. We do not have to repeat the mistakes our parents made. We can set our eye on the prize and move forward. And you can give your children the child to that you did not get. You can give them the unconditional love, and Security that you craved and needed so badly.
If I can help you in anyway, with this, please call me.
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This just broke me. It was horrible to live through the first time. To live through it through your eyes now breaks my heart. Having been abandoned by my own father, I understand how you feel, but that doesn’t help me know what to do to help you.
Please be kind to yourself. Remember, there was nothing you could’ve done about this. You were a child, a very sweet, beautiful, innocent child who didn’t deserve any of this. It does not speak anything about you. It only speaks to his brokenness.
The kindest thing I ever did for myself was to forgive my father. It’s very difficult to do and that does not mean that you condone any of his behavior or reasoning. It does not even mean there’s a place in your life for him. But I pray that you can find a way to forgive him and let it go. I pray for Christ peace to be upon you and to fill you.
I am so proud of you and how you have turned your life around. We do not have to repeat the mistakes our parents made. We can set our eye on the prize and move forward. And you can give your children the childhood that you did not get. You can give them the unconditional love, and Security that you craved and needed so badly.
If I can help you in anyway, with this, please call me.
LikeLiked by 1 person