The other side

So, our nephew had a sleepover at our place the other day. Right his mom left he went and sat down across the room hugging his knees to his chest and he called across the room at me, “Taylor, I’m kind of mad today..” I stopped what I was doing in the kitchen and asked him what was wrong and he responded, “my dad didn’t come get me”. My whole heart shattered and I told him I was so sorry and I was glad he got to spend the night with us though. He said “it’s ok” and I told him it wasn’t okay and he jumped up to run downstairs to play with my kids and yelled behind him, “you’re right it’s not okay! He made me cry!”. And then I stood in the kitchen and tried not to cry. His dad struggles with very similar demons that my husband and I struggled with for years. He’s living a very similar lifestyle and making very similar choices and doing the exact same thing we had been doing to our kids. When you’re in the middle of that mess it’s so hard to see the extent of the damage you’re causing, you’re too busy being the victim in your own story. Once you find your way out it’s plain to see the hurt you’ve caused and that’ll wreck you….but to see a child’s world shattering from the other side of things…that’s enough to make you reconsider every choice you’ve ever made. I didn’t get to see first hand how the choices we made, how the life we were living impacted our kids in real time I only got to see the aftermath, which was still so awful. But seeing the destruction first hand destroys me. It makes me feel like a true piece of shit knowing that is EXACTLY how our children felt…abandoned, unloveable, unwanted….I can’t believe that is what I put our children through for years. You really don’t understand the full extent of your actions until you see if from the other side. Now, I fully understand why my family acted the way they did, why they were so angry, why they wanted to hunt us down. I get it now. Because the most innocent ones in our battle against ourselves are the ones that suffered the most. We were so selfish. And for that I will eternally regret a lot of our decisions and that regret will remind me daily why we keep pushing forward. I could truly never go back to what we were doing, especially after feeling the earth shattering sadness from my nephew. So much damage. So much hurt. For what reason? In the name of a good time? In the name of self preservation? At what cost? At the cost of the children. Nothing is worth more than them. To my family and my children and to everyone that was affected by my past life I am so deeply sorry. I’m sorry I was so selfish. I’m sorry I left you to try to hold those tiny people together. I’m sorry I couldn’t see how wrong what I was doing really was. I’m sorry I was so mad at you all for the choices you made. I get it now. You did such an amazing job filling in the holes we left. Thank you for doing so much you shouldn’t have had to. You are so strong and I am eternally grateful for each any every one of you. And to anyone out there struggling with those same demons, come home. Ask for help. You are loved. You are needed. You are wanted.