Did you miss me?

I know it’s been quite some time since I’ve posted! I was just talking to my husband about it the other day and I told him I’ve just been busy and he said “excuses”. Simply put. After some thought he was right, I mean I have been busy, but definitely not too busy to sit down and write something..anything. In all honesty I haven’t written anything because everything has been going really well and it’s hard to write without sounding redundant when things are going well. It’s a lot easier to write when I’m struggling even just a little bit because writing it out helps me process. That being said I have something I believe is worth sharing; what I have found to be the secret to long term sobriety, gratitude and selfless service. Every treatment I’ve ever been to has preached “recovery is selfish” and I think maybe I had been misinterpreting that message FOR YEARS. Yeah, in the beginning getting sober is selfish. You have to make decisions specifically to benefit yourself in order to get and stay sober BUT after you’ve made those changes sobriety should be selfless. To quote NA “we keep what we have by giving it away”. That’s absolutely correct. You know who deserves you being sober more than you? Literally everyone. Who benefits from you being high? You and only you? Who benefits from you being sober? Literally everyone. Addiction is a cancer that spreads rapidly and aggressively. Addiction hurts not only you but your parents, your siblings, your children, your friends, the entire society. I don’t know about you but when I’m high I am a menace to society. I am not a safe person, I am reckless. Everything I do while high is just to benefit myself regardless of the selfless bullshit story I try to sell. I owe it to everyone around me to get sober, to stay sober, and to constantly make amends for the hell I created. I’ve discovered that constant selfless service is what is going to keep me sober. It’s of course a work in progress because everyone (myself included) are inherently selfish, but recognizing that and working to change that is a daily job. I commit myself daily to selfless service to family, my husband, my children. I had been trying so hard and for so long to figure out who I was that I ended up losing myself entirely. In my service to my family I have been discovering who I am, what my purpose is, and have given my life meaning outside my self and I am so grateful. That brings me to my second point, gratitude in all things. I am constantly reminding myself of the things I’m grateful for especially in the face of challenges. There’s always always always a reason to be grateful. I’m every challenge is a lesson. In every loss is a new door opening. I am trusting the process, I am doing the work, I am moving onward and upward and I am grateful for every single thing. I find gratitude so essential because if you can’t find a reason to be grateful not only the positive things but also in the face of adversity you’re going to find any excuse to fall back to exactly where you were before and you won’t even notice it until it’s too late. That’s one thing I seriously love about my new job. I scoop dog poop. I live in SD and I go yard to yard all day long to scoop up poop and I fucking love it. My husband got me a snowsuit for my birthday and I think it’s the best gift I’ve ever gotten. My job forces me to be grateful for things most normal people wouldn’t be. For example: when I get my son to school and the babies to daycare with time to show up early for my shift, that I can get all my steps for the day and then some, when I wear my snowsuit I get a much better work out, I get to pet dogs at nearly every house, if I work extra hard I get to get off earlier and sweat more, I get to spend more time with my family because the hours are perfect, I get time to listen to all my self help podcasts, I can have all the quiet time I want before everyone comes home from work/school, I get to play outside all day instead of being stuck inside, I don’t have to talk to ANYONE! And that’s just some of the random things just at work I’m grateful for every day. I make a conscious effort every morning and every evening to think of some things I’m grateful for. Things have been going so well…it’s almost weird. I love it and I couldn’t be more proud. My husband and I have been working so hard. We’ve been adhering to the plan and the work is paying off. We’ve got goals in mind and slowly but surely we’re knocking them off the list. We readjust the goals and keep pushing. I think that’s important too, you can’t just quit once you reach a goal. You’ve got to readjust your goals and game plan and keep pushing on. You should never stop reach for more. So, long story short get sober to serve others and stay grateful. You will give your life meaning and find happiness without even trying.