Identify the Bear

I’m kind of a nerd and I enjoy psychology, especially interpersonal developmental psychology. I recently happened upon a subject I found super intriguing, attachment theory. For anyone who doesn’t know what that is, it’s a psychological theory that a how a person forms relationships with themselves and others is developed as an infant based on how safe they feel with their primary caregiver and in their home. Basically, if an infant/child has a chaotic environment/relationship with their primary caregiver they are likely going to develop disordered attachments. And on the flip side if an infant/child is brought up in a safe and secure environment with a stable and attentive caregiver they’ll likely be able to develop very secure attachments. There was an analogy I heard about this that I really liked; it’s going to be dramatic of course, but it makes sense. Imagine as a small child playing in the woods you come across a bear. You’re terrified, but not physically hurt. You run home, find your parents, you cry and explain what happened and how you feel. They hug you and comfort you. You feel safe and loved and the experience leaves you stronger. Now, imagine as a child a wild bear lives in your home. Each day you dread going home because you don’t know what to expect. Is the bear going to be there? Is it going to hurt you? Is it going to scare you? Do you need to hide? Do you need to avoid it? What can you do to mitigate the potential chaos that you could come home to? Those two children have vastly different experiences and they are likely going to develop relationships with themselves and with others in very different ways just based on those things. Your relationship with your primary caregiver as a child is going to instill subconscious core beliefs about yourself and about relationships in general. Do you know what your subconscious core beliefs about yourself and relationships are? I’ll go first. About myself: I am unlovable, I am broken, I don’t deserve happiness, I am unworthy, I deserve the bad things that happen to me, I have no worth, I am a nuisance. About relationships: everyone will always leave me eventually, everyone will betray me, love always hurts, no one actually likes me, I have nothing to offer, I will never be good enough. Now, why have I identified those? Because if you don’t identify your “bear” and how that has impacted you and take steps to heal there’s a huge chance you’ll end up being someone else’s bear without even knowing it. The goal is growth and healing so I can raise strong, resilient, secure children.