I’m Working on It

Alright I don’t know if anyone but me has noticed, but for the last two days I’ve been slacking. Not a lot, but enough for me to notice. I’ve been sleeping in a little later and skipping reading my books with the excuse, “oh, im uncomfortably pregnant I need a little extra sleep”. You know what? An excuse is an excuse no matter what. I know that and the universe knows that. Little example here for ya. This morning I’m laying in bed, my a husband has already gone to work, I did get up at 4 and get his shit ready for him like I do most mornings, I came back down to my room and went back to bed once he left per usual. My alarm is supposed to go off at 7 to get my son up and ready and I woke up at 6:43 and thought I’ll shut it off right now so it doesn’t wake up to baby and I can sleep in a little longer and I’ll just work out later. I shit you not, three minutes later, RIGHT after I fell asleep, my daughter headbutts me in the face TWICE. I laughed like a maniac. I have a fat lip and a black eye courtesy of my daughter as a message from the universe to quit being a pussy, put my big girl pants on, get up, keep my promises to myself, and do what is congruent to my goal of continual growth. Laying in bed coming up with weak ass excuses as to why I can get away with slacking is absolutely not congruent with any of my goals and if anyone around me tried that shit I’d call them out too! We’re in it to grow not plateau. Get your ass up, do what you said you were gonna do, and be the best the best version of yourself NO MATTER WHAT. It may have taken a sneak attack double headbutt from an infant to set me straight, but I hear you, universe, loud and clear. An excuse is an excuse. I got my ass up, made sure my son was ready, got my daughter dressed, did my work out plus 100 squats, read my meditation, meditated, fed the baby, showered, and now I’m sipping my coffee writing this post, because I was absolutely capable of doing my routine regardless of being “uncomfortably pregnant”, that was just a shitty excuse from my weaker self trying to get me to feed into the negativity of not reaching my full potential today. Total bullshit. No excuses. Get up and do your shit. There’s no excuse you can come up with that’s good enough to skip your self improvement routine. Did you get up to go to work when you didn’t want to? Or bring the kids to school? Or to watch your favorite show? If you’ll get up early for anything else why wouldn’t you get up early to work on yourself? Don’t lie to yourself, you’re worth more than that. Even if know one else knows you’re slacking, you know it and the universe knows it.

I grew up in a household where yelling, name calling, and belittling were normal things. I had many previous relationships where physical violence solved problems. I grew up and stayed very quietly angry until I’d explode about ridiculous things. Hostility solved problems and fear equated respect. As I’ve grown I’ve learned this is NOT the way to live nor is it the way to treat anyone else. Just because I know this isn’t the way doesn’t mean that I don’t struggle with it from time to time. Knowing is just part of battle, I’ve also had to learn healthy replacement behaviors, and consciously taking the time to implement those behaviors. It takes a lot of work to be able to take a step back from a situation and readdress it when I’ve had a chance to look at the situation objectively and have a level head. When I say a lot of work, I mean ITS A LOT OF WORK. I’ve learned that I am not someone that speaks my thoughts or feelings well. I am however very good at putting my feelings and thoughts in writing. That works for most problems I have. But there are instances where I have to articulate the words to express how I’m feeling and why, particularly when it comes to parenting. I have made the conscious decision to not have my children mistake fear for respect. Some days are very hard because I want to yell at them or smack their hands or smart mouths. A lot of the time I need to walk away and talk with their dad about how to handle what they did or said appropriately, because I want them to understand what they did or said was wrong and why instead of just fearing being in trouble and the repercussions. I don’t ever want my kids to be scared to tell me something because they’re afraid of my reaction. I want them to be able to tell me everything and be able to be a reliable source of support even when they are in the wrong. I don’t want my children to fear me. Fear is not the same as respect. I want my kids to look up to me, I want them to be open and host with me, I want them to be able to lean on me, but I also want them to respect me and know there are things that aren’t okay and there are repercussions for actions, but I don’t ever want them to fear physical or verbal abuse as a result of their actions. Sometimes I regret how I react and then I need to own it and apologize and explain why my reaction was wrong and even though what they did was wrong I shouldn’t have reacted the way I did. We are human and we make mistakes but our kids deserve an apology as much as anyone else does if we wrong them. No one deserves to live in fear, everyone makes mistakes, we can learn the difference between right and wrong but we must also live what we preach. Our kids will see hear our actions much louder than our words. Show them how to love and respect themselves and others and they will mirror it.

I know a lot of us have made gratitude lists and if you haven’t you should. It’s a great way to remind yourself that you have a lot of amazing things in your life, but knowing what you’re grateful for isn’t enough. What do I mean by that exactly? Knowing the things you’re grateful for is great, but how do you act grateful? What are the steps you’re taking daily to continue receiving, improving, or bettering the things you’re grateful for? if you’re grateful for your family how are you showing that? Are you getting up and going to work to support them? If you don’t work are getting up to help everyone get ready? Are you making coffee or taking kids to school? Are you getting up early to work on yourself? Because a better you means a better future for your people. If you’re grateful for your home are you cleaning it? Taking the time to do the upkeep? Are you going to work so you can make the improvements you want or to invest in a better home for you and your family? Make a gratitude list, really look at it, and think what are you doing daily to actually show your gratitude for these things. Gratitude is more than a feeling, it should be an action. If you’re truly grateful for something you will take steps daily to constantly improve. Gratitude is progression, gratitude is growth, gratitude is a continuous intentional daily action plan you have to show yourself, the ones you love, and the universe how grateful you are by not wasting a single second if this beautiful life you have and to never stop striving for better because the best is always yet to come.

This is the part of life in general that always tripped me up; God. Every time I went to treatment, or got a sponsor, or went to a meeting that was what EVERYTHING fell back on; the existence of a higher power of some sort. And it almost infuriated me! Why in the hell do I need to believe that some dude in the sky is watching all the fucked up stuff going on here and it’s all part of his grand plan. I refused to even attempt to understand what a higher power was to me; because in all honesty it’s different for everyone. When I went to treatment they’d tell me to believe in something; God, the universe, a Flying Spaghetti Monster, even a fucking pencil, just something. I thought they were all morons. Who is their right mind would believe any of that horse shit? I’ll tell you who, generally healthy and well rounded people. I was too stubborn, not ready to change, and thought I knew all the answers and these schmucks were just here to brainwash the weak willed. Harsh right? Right. I’m here today to tell you that those schmucks were right. Every one of them to some degree. You need to have faith that there is something out there greater than you, a greater plan, an eternal love and understanding. I don’t believe in a “God” necessarily, not some magic guy floating just judging folks and sending them to eternal damnation for their wrong doings. I believe in the power of the universe, the eternal, all knowing, understanding, omnipotent connection between everything. I believe that we are all connected, we are all here for a reason and our goal in life is to figure out what that reason is and share our gift with the world. I believe that we as people have a designed plan but we have free will so if we chose to leave the course the universe had planned for us, then we absolutely can. But the universe has a good and wonderful plan of each and every one of us, it doesn’t want us to do harm, but we have that choice. I connect with and listen to the universe every morning when I meditate; to align myself and receive answers to my questions, and direction in my life. The universe is constantly speaking to all of us we just have to take the time to listen. Everything that happens in your life is trying to send you a message to point you in the direction you’re supposed to be going, every hurdle, every victory. Everything is a lesson if you choose to see it. Take a moment to slow down, close you eyes, and listen. What is the universe trying to tell you? Are you headed in the right direction? Are you floating in limbo directionless? Have you headed down the wrong path? It’s never too late to alter your course. Have faith that there is a plan for you. Not a single one of us is here by accident.

The reading from my morning meditation book this morning was all about finding a spider in your home and instead of killing it catching it and releasing it outside. Initially I thought that was fucking stupid, for one it’s winter in SD so finding a spider in here right now will be next to impossible, secondly if I set him outside right now he’ll freeze to death anyway, and thirdly fuck that I hate spiders. It wasn’t until I meditated that it actually made sense. The book doesn’t mean literally find a spider and free him what it meant was don’t let your first emotional response dictate your actions. We as human beings are emotion beings, but that doesn’t mean we have to let our emotions control us. Let me give you an example, my first reaction to many situations is anger, white hot, break your teeth back anger. Now most of you are probably thinking that’s a bit extreme, but that’s how I lived most my life up until this point. I was the type of person that would try to fist fight the construction worker that cat called me while walking downtown. Anger was almost always my go to emotion. How dare you do something that makes me feel anything other than happy, I’m going to physically hurt you because I don’t understand how to cope with my own feelings. In case y’all aren’t aware anger is a secondary emotion that’s usually masking another emotion that we aren’t emotionally mature enough to process so we act it out in the only way we’ve learned how. Instead of “what you said really hurt my feelings”, I would generally start crying, feel really stupid for bursting into tears, try really hard to resist the urge to punch you in the mouth for saying something that hurt my feelings and making look stupid for crying in public and then I’d go sit in the bathroom for 45 minutes ugly crying and plotting your death. I hope everyone can see where that is entirely fucked up. For one the person most likely wasn’t trying to hurt my feelings, for two they definitely weren’t expecting me to burst into tears, three they’re probably super confused about the entire situation, four they absolutely don’t deserve to be physically assaulted because I don’t know how to handle my own emotions, and five (this is the most important one) NO ONE MAKES YOU FEEL ANY TYPE OF WAY. I mean it! No one can make you do or feel anything (unless it’s a hostage situation), your feelings and actions are completely within your own control. Words are literally that, just words. Some words might hurt your feelings, some words you may disagree with, but words from others don’t affect how you feel; you do. If someone called me a wet napkin, I might be a bit confused, but I’m not going to let it ruin my day because I know that I’m absolutely not a wet napkin. Now if someone called me a dumb bitch, I’d have to walk away and readdress that with a level head. Why? Because I would need to cool off, re-center and talk to the person about how I let that affect me. See things that we let affect our mood are generally things that are subconsciously part of our own internal mantra. “That hurt my feelings a lot because deep down I know that isn’t true, but for a long time this is how I felt about myself and it makes me sad to think that this is how you see me”. There’s a huge difference there. Own your own feelings, express why those words made you feel that way, talk it out and move on. Different people are controlled by different emotions; anger, fear, whatever it may be let it go. Letting your emotions dictate your actions is only holding you back. Take the time to think about what you’re going to say or do before you do it, walk away if you have to. But words said out of initial emotional reaction cannot be taken back and we often don’t mean them we just want you to feel as badly as we do at that moment and you’ll regret it later. Don’t live your life based on regret, out of fear, or in a rage. Try to understand why you’re feeling the way you are and vocalize it, work through your issues so you don’t stay stuck in them and pass them onto others. Everyone deserves love, kindness, and understanding. Be kind and patient with yourself and others. We are emotional beings, but we are in control.

As long as I’ve known my husband he has NEVER been a morning person. He’s actually the exact opposite and waking him up for work (or anything really) has always been my least favorite thing on the planet. We’ve been together for nearly 5 years and up until very very recently I used to let his negativity in the morning ruin my whole day. A lot of the times I’d already be in a bad mood before I even attempted to wake him up because I knew it was going to be unpleasant. So, what I’m saying is; I would ruin my entire day before it even started because I anticipated a negative interaction before it even happened. I would go into my interaction with him already negative because I expected negativity back, and you know what I got? Exactly what I was giving, negativity. This is EXACTLY how the universe works, you are going to get back exactly what you put out there. I KNOW he’s not a morning person, I KNOW there’s a possibility he’s going to be unpleasant, but why in the actual fuck am I going to let that bring my vibration down? Who does that help? It doesn’t put him in a better mood to be woken up by an angry swap troll and it does me no good to be a wretched hag the entire day. Now both our days started off on the wrong level and the universe is going to repay us with exactly what we’re asking for, more negativity! Now I start our mornings off on a much different note. He’s still not a morning person, I can’t change that, but I can change how I deal with it. He works 12 hours 3 days a week. His first alarm goes off at 330am. When I hear that first alarm I hop up and turn on the coffee pot, find his coffee cup and water bottle and set them both near the pot, I make the baby a preemptive bottle and I go lay back down. Now his second alarm goes off at 415, when I hear this one I hop up again and go start the car so he doesn’t have to scrape it when he goes to leave at 430. When I go back to the room I shake him tell him the time and then I sit up and a meditate until 430; if he isn’t already up by then I shake him again and he hops up and gets ready and I wait until I hear him leave before I lay back down until my alarm to start my day at 545. Anyone see the difference? He’s still not a morning person, but I’ve done very simple things to make his morning slightly easier. I know im going to be up any way to make sure he’s up and going but I waste none of my own energy feeling any type of way. My mindset is, he’s getting up at the ass crack of dawn all weekend to go work his ass off to support our family and the least I can do is make sure he’s got his coffee and a warm car. Sometimes he’s still snappy but because I don’t take it personally and snap back he apologizes almost every time for his behavior. Give the love you wish to receive. During the week he takes our son to school every morning. I make sure the coffee pot is ready the night before so we’ve just got to turn it on and I make sure our son has his clothes ready the night before. My intention is to be up and start coffee and work out before I have to wake our son up at 7 for school, but often times Wyatt is up before me and he’s waking me up with a glass of coffee and breakfast of some sort and if our daughter wakes up early, he’ll bring her with him so I have my time to work out and shower. Raise your own vibration, release the love you wish to receive and the universe and those around you will feel and reciprocate that. I am not lucky, luck has nothing to do with it, I’m blessed with the very best because we continue to work on it every day.

Every time I go to tell my story I always mention at the beginning that I’m a 6 time convicted felon and my husband is a 7 time convicted felon. I don’t say this because it’s “cool” or I’m proud of it, but because it’s a major part of our story, unfortunately, but every time I say I swear to God without fail some ignorant fuck goes “that’s dope!” Let me tell you, nearly three kids deep from my in laws’ basement, that it’s the furthest thing from “dope”. Every time I hear someone respond like that I want to immediately and without hesitation headbutt them right in the teeth because I don’t think you really understand how badly we’ve fucked our ENTIRE lives up. I have no idea why we romanticize the idea of being an outlaw. There’s literally nothing good that comes from living in the fast lane, like at all. I’ve probably had a million dollars pass through my hands in my lifetime and I have literally nothing to show for it. I used to be licensed to sell home, auto, life, and business insurance in 46 states by the age of 19, but I’ve had my insurance license permanently revoked on the federal level; is that dope? I’m over qualified for most jobs I apply for, but I have 6 felonies most of them for breach of trust so I can’t handle any forms of payment; is that dope? I can’t open a bank account at a real bank, I can’t get a loan, or a credit card because my name is red flagged in every system for every type of fraud or theft charge you can think of; is that dope? I’m 27 years old and 8 months pregnant and I have to report to another adult (my PO) about anything I want to do and go piss in a cup randomly 3 times a month for the next 4 years; is that dope? Combined, my husband and I have 13 felonies and one of his is considered violent so we can’t get approved to live anywhere outside the ghetto; is that dope? My husband will be 32 at the end of this month and I’ve held his hand in front of a judge twice now where the penalty for him was up to life in prison; how dope, right? We’ve missed out on years with our family sitting behind bars, countless birthdays and holidays; that’s so dope. I can’t count on both hands how many loved ones we’ve buried because of this lifestyle; is that dope? Did I list one benefit from the lifestyle we chose to live? I don’t fucking think so. Stop romanticizing being an outlaw, it’s not cool to be a fucking loser. You wanna know what is dope? That we made it out of all of that bullshit. What’s really dope is that we can see how and where we were fucking it all up and now we’re leveling up as a team. We made it out, every day is a new challenge, but we’re fighting for our lives and for the lives of our kids because they don’t deserve to be dragged through that shit. I wake up every morning in the basement with my husband and our babies and I’m genuinely happy for the first time maybe ever because I know there’s hope. If we can do it, so can you.

I don’t think enough people understand this, hell I didn’t understand this for a long time. “What do you mean I’m not a good parent?! I love them more than life itself!” Yeah, but love isn’t enough. I’ve known and seen so many people that love their kids to absolute pieces but are shitty parents. Being a good parent means putting your kids first, above yourself, above anything else, always and no matter what. Being a good parent means making difficult decisions that you know will benefit your kids. Being a good parent means setting aside your selfish desires and feelings to do what is best for your kids. It means going to therapy and working through your own shit so you don’t inadvertently drag your kids through the same shit you went through. It means asking for help when you need it, even if it hurts your pride, so your kids don’t go without. It means leaving toxic relationships and situations that you are emotionally attached to because your kids deserve better. It means getting up and going to work even if you hate it because you’ve got bills to pay. It means going back to school and aiming for your dreams because you have to show your kids anything is possible if they try. It means taking care of yourself because your kids need you more than you know. It means loving yourself because your kids will mirror everything you do right down to how you speak to yourself. Teach them to love themselves; teach them what a healthy relationship with others and themselves looks like; teach them how to learn and grow; teach them that it’s okay to make mistakes and how to rebound better; teach them how to always chase their dreams no matter how big or small; teach them how to give and receive love. Fill your kids with love and light and respect. Love isn’t enough by itself but it’s a good place to start. Learn how to love yourself for you children.

Today my alarm went off and the first thing I thought was, “I don’t feel like it today…maybe I press snooze, skip my workout, and sleep in a little bit before I get the kids ready…no one would know the difference”. As soon as the entire thought processed through my mind, I rolled my tired ass out of bed and started my workout, I even threw in an extra 100 squats at the end before yoga and my meditation. Now here’s why I did it and then some today even though my mind and body said “I don’t feel like it”, not to punish myself or because anyone was watching, but to hold myself accountable. On the days where my first thought is “I don’t feel like it”, those are the days I need it the most, those are the days where I really test my will power, my willingness to be and feel better, and my willingness to persevere in spite of myself. Because if I’m willing to let myself get in MY OWN WAY then I’m willing to let any obstacle trip me up in my journey for self improvement. You can either be your own worst enemy or your own best motivator. I got up at 530 this morning and did a 20 minute workout, started my laundry, did my hair and lash treatment, did my teeth routine, got the kids clothes ready for when I wake them up; why? Because I’m not going to stand in my own way. These might seem like silly insignificant things, but this has been my morning routine without fail for the last two months and I promised myself I was going to keep doing these things no matter what because it makes me feel good inside and out. It brings me a feeling of accomplishment to be able to keep my word to myself. I vibrate at a higher level from the moment I get up when I’ve got my routine done. And if that isn’t enough of a sign right after I did all that I read my morning meditation and anyone want to guess what it was about? It was about laziness and it giving into yourself when you want skip the things you know you should be doing. No one’s watching me in the morning, no one tells me I need to do these things, the house won’t spontaneously combust if I sleep in; but I’ll know that I gave in, I’ll know I broke that promise to myself. So I got up, I did what I need to do to be the best version of me. I’ve given up on myself enough to know what it feels like to quit and where that lands me. No more excuses, no days off, I’m keeping the promises I make to myself, because I’m ready to put my best foot forward. Becoming the best version of yourself isn’t easy, but if you can start small and work your way up you’ll see anything is possible. Don’t stand in your own, don’t give into your own desire to be lazy. Laziness isn’t self care, love yourself enough to challenge yourself.

I’ve been pregnant twice now in the last two years. My daughter will turn 1 in April and my son is due the end of March and honestly I’ve been struggling with being pregnant. By that I don’t mean I’ve had a rough pregnancy with either of them by any means; they’ve actually been dream pregnancies compared to most people I talk to. What I’m struggling with is body image issues. That sounds silly right? I’m 5’4 and I’ve never weighed over 120lbs, but a constant and super unhealthy mantra that plays through my head is “boys don’t like fat girls”. That’s horrible and consciously I know that isn’t true, there are boys that like big girls, but I also know I’m not fat I’m 8 months pregnant (again). I currently weigh 154lbs and I have 5 stretch marks that I can see (in the mirror). I know this sounds vain but it’s almost devastating to me. My whole life I’ve beaten and abused my body in every way you can think of. Since I was little I was always taught to believe physical beauty trumps physical health and well being. If I looked a certain way or got above a certain size I would no longer be beautiful and therefore would lose my value as a person. Now again I know consciously that is ass backwards and a sad way to think but when I look in mirror I hate what I see. I feel out of control of the one thing that’s usually the only thing completely in my control. No matter what was going on in my life my body and the way I look has always been the one constant thing I can control wholly. I can control the scars I have, the tattoos I want, how big or how small I am, but not now. I can’t do anything to get smaller, I can’t control the scars on my stomach and thighs and it almost scares me to lose control over myself. I love my kids and I can’t wait to be a mommy to this sweet little boy, but I can’t wait for my body to be my own. I almost envy the moms that say they loved being pregnant, that take cute maternity photos, that say they felt cute and confident when they were pregnant, because I just feel fat and awkward and uncomfortable. I think my family must know this because they check in constantly to make sure I’m eating during and after my pregnancies; which I am, there isn’t much I wouldn’t do to make sure my babies are healthy. I take my vitamins, eat right, quit smoking cigarettes, I plan to breast feed again. But I want my body back and I feel selfish when I say that. Even though I’m huge and pregnant right now there are things within my control that are healthy that I can and do do to make myself feel a little bit better. I work out at least twice a day, I eat a pretty healthy diet, I’ve been doing whitening treatments on my teeth (years of coffee and cigarettes weren’t too nice to them), I’ve been doing lash and eyebrow treatments to help them grow, I shower daily and use my favorite lotions and perfumes so I smell like a goddess, and I’ve been letting my hair grow out so I can go get a new haircut soon. My body may not be my own right now, but I’ll get one of the greatest gifts I could imagine at the end of this, another beautiful perfect baby and I can’t wait to meet him. I will still bear the scars it takes to bring him here but the other things will be temporary. I’m trying to work out my insecurities now so I don’t end up unwittingly beating the same unhealthy lessons into my children. Your worth is not dependent on your size or physical appearance. Your body is a temple for you to love and treat with kindness. You have more to offer the world than how you look. Your body is yours to control, but it’s not the only thing you control. The world is yours to make of it what you wish. Be kind to yourself and share your best self with the world.