I’m Working on It

So, our nephew had a sleepover at our place the other day. Right his mom left he went and sat down across the room hugging his knees to his chest and he called across the room at me, “Taylor, I’m kind of mad today..” I stopped what I was doing in the kitchen and asked him what was wrong and he responded, “my dad didn’t come get me”. My whole heart shattered and I told him I was so sorry and I was glad he got to spend the night with us though. He said “it’s ok” and I told him it wasn’t okay and he jumped up to run downstairs to play with my kids and yelled behind him, “you’re right it’s not okay! He made me cry!”. And then I stood in the kitchen and tried not to cry. His dad struggles with very similar demons that my husband and I struggled with for years. He’s living a very similar lifestyle and making very similar choices and doing the exact same thing we had been doing to our kids. When you’re in the middle of that mess it’s so hard to see the extent of the damage you’re causing, you’re too busy being the victim in your own story. Once you find your way out it’s plain to see the hurt you’ve caused and that’ll wreck you….but to see a child’s world shattering from the other side of things…that’s enough to make you reconsider every choice you’ve ever made. I didn’t get to see first hand how the choices we made, how the life we were living impacted our kids in real time I only got to see the aftermath, which was still so awful. But seeing the destruction first hand destroys me. It makes me feel like a true piece of shit knowing that is EXACTLY how our children felt…abandoned, unloveable, unwanted….I can’t believe that is what I put our children through for years. You really don’t understand the full extent of your actions until you see if from the other side. Now, I fully understand why my family acted the way they did, why they were so angry, why they wanted to hunt us down. I get it now. Because the most innocent ones in our battle against ourselves are the ones that suffered the most. We were so selfish. And for that I will eternally regret a lot of our decisions and that regret will remind me daily why we keep pushing forward. I could truly never go back to what we were doing, especially after feeling the earth shattering sadness from my nephew. So much damage. So much hurt. For what reason? In the name of a good time? In the name of self preservation? At what cost? At the cost of the children. Nothing is worth more than them. To my family and my children and to everyone that was affected by my past life I am so deeply sorry. I’m sorry I was so selfish. I’m sorry I left you to try to hold those tiny people together. I’m sorry I couldn’t see how wrong what I was doing really was. I’m sorry I was so mad at you all for the choices you made. I get it now. You did such an amazing job filling in the holes we left. Thank you for doing so much you shouldn’t have had to. You are so strong and I am eternally grateful for each any every one of you. And to anyone out there struggling with those same demons, come home. Ask for help. You are loved. You are needed. You are wanted.

Does anyone else intentionally listen to or read something that you’re confident you’re going to dislike or disagree with the opinions it contains? Or is that just me? I like to do this frequently because hearing things we disagree with makes us think. I did this the other day. I listened to a podcast where Candice Owens interviewed Andrew Tate for three hours. If you’ve heard of the controversy surrounding Andrew Tate I think you’ll understand why I thought I was going to dislike it. Well, surprise surprise, I went into it with my preconceived dislike, but relatively open minded and I actually enjoyed it quite a lot. I recommend everyone go listen to it. They covered many topics, but the one that I got hung up on the most was their conversation about our recent focus on mental health and how its weakening us as a society. That sounds insane right? Well, they had some good points. In my personal opinion for most people mental health medications are being over prescribed and there’s very few cases in which you should be on them long term. The way I see it therapy and medication are tools that should be used temporarily to help you break through your toughest times. I don’t think anyone should be in therapy for their entire life. If you feel the need to see your therapist weekly for years and years I think you should reconsider who you see as a therapist. I think a therapist’s primary job is to work themselves out of a job. Similar to medication. Medication should be used as a tool with therapy to help you cope with difficult things you may be working through with your therapist. I don’t believe you should use either for the rest of your life. You should be able to learn about yourself, learn tools, and coping mechanisms. You should learn enough of these things to be able to grow and develop as a person without additional crutches. Now, I’m absolutely not advocating for anyone to stop taking their meds and cancel their therapy appointments right this second. What I am advocating is to just take a look at what you’re doing. Are you using your tools correctly? Are you making progress in therapy? Are the medications necessary anymore? Are you growing? Are you changing? Is your life improving? Are you moving toward where you want to be? If not, maybe it’s time to make some changes. Maybe it’s time to reevaluate your life. Maybe it’s time to make a new game plan. Before you jump on medication that chemically alters your brain chemistry, maybe try something natural. Maybe start exercising. Maybe start meditating. Maybe cut out the fast food. Maybe start feeding your body proper nutrition. See how it goes. Here’s what I believe, obviously I’m not a doctor, I’m not a therapist, I have zero formal education on this subject at all; but I believe firmly that this focus on mental health COULD be helpful to us as a society but I don’t think it is. I feel that too many people use a diagnosis as an excuse for their poor behavior. Too many people use a diagnosis as a reason to stay stuck exactly where they are. A diagnosis is a tool. Therapy is a tool. Medication is a tool. And far too many of us aren’t using them as such. We are using band aid fixes as permanent repairs and it’s not working. Doing this doesn’t only damage you it damages everyone around you, everyone you interact with, everyone you love. You are being SELFISH by using these tools as crutches and excuses to be a piece of shit. A diagnosis isn’t a hindrance. Medication isn’t going to fix you. Your therapist isn’t going to do the work for you. These are all tools to try and give you a leg up not some excuse to cling to. The first step yo change is admitting you have a problem, right? Well, I think the fuck not. You can admit there’s a problem until you’re blue in the face and still have a fucking problem. I think the first step to change is a DESIRE to change and after that everything will come. To change you must first WANT TO CHANGE. And I hope you do. I hope you all want to change because not a single one of us is perfect as we are and we are all CAPABLE OF CHANGE. No one is too old or too stuck in their ways to change. If you really want to change then you will. This focus on mental health could be incredibly empowering if we use the tools we’ve been given properly. Go do something good for yourself. Go learn more about yourself. Go change yourself for the better.

So, my husband and I went to listen to someone speak about breaking the generational curse of addiction, or should I say they ATTEMPTED to speak on this. This person oozed so much anxiety about potentially fucking up their own children that the air in the room was so dense you could almost choke on it. I think we would have gotten nearly the same take away from that tight chested spiel if they had just gotten up there and screamed in terror at full volume for that same hour. The thing that struck me the most was I kept hearing the statement “it’s just hard”. I heard that over and over again. This person has obviously lived through some serious trauma and is entirely consumed with making sure their children don’t have to go through what they did to the point of making their own life absolutely miserable. From what I heard they’re doing everything with the mindset “I have to do this or else”. I have to stay sober or else I’ll fuck my kids up. I have to go to meetings or else I’ll fuck my kids up. I have to get my kids involved in everything I can or else I’ll fuck my kids up. I have to marry their dad or else I’ll fuck my kids up. I have to do couples counseling or else I’ll fuck my kids up. I have to monitor everything they do or else I’ll fuck my kids up. I have to buy a house or else I’ll fuck my kids up. Everything they did was out of guilt from past fuck ups and fear of the future. It was almost mortifying to hear and watch. I felt so bad for them. Absolutely your life is going to be “hard” if you’re only operating your life out of fear and guilt of the “or else”. We cannot control the future, we cannot change the past, we only have today. If you’re living today regretting yesterday and worrying about tomorrow then today is going to SUCK! “Hard” is all about your perspective. None of recovery, none of life in general has to be “hard”. You are the only one that makes your life hard. Some things may be more challenging than others because things are new or different and you’re not sure how to handle them, but you can learn. You can learn from every mistake and every new experience and add that to your tool bag to solve similar problems in the future so that it doesn’t have to be as challenging. Your life should never stay “hard”, challenging is good. Challenging means growing, but hard means you’re resisting that growth and change and trying to stay exactly where you’ve comfortably plateaued. Hard means you’re resisting the Universe’s guidance to move on. Hard means you insist on being stuck where you don’t belong. If you’re one of those folks that thinks constantly that your life is “so hard” maybe take a moment to look at your life, where you are, where you want to go, and what the fuck you’ve actually been doing. Your motivation for doing anything should simply be to be better than you were yesterday. Self improvement and the improvement of those around you should be your sole motivation for movement. You shouldn’t act solely out of emotion; ie fear, anger, regret, sadness, or even joy. Emotions are temporary and fleeting and if you’re living your life controlled by them you’re going to end up making decisions that don’t serve you in the long run. You must live decisively. You must live knowing you only have the power to control today. You must live knowing you made the best possible choices you could’ve today. You must live to just be the best you can be today and aim to be just the smallest bit better tomorrow. When you go to sleep at night I want you to think about how you fucking crushed today and I want you to think about things you maybe could’ve done better and then tomorrow I want you to focus on not repeating yesterdays mistakes. And do that every night. How did I win, what did I learn that I do not need to repeat tomorrow? You are in control. Grab the fucking reins and take control. Quit LETTING life happen TO you and MAKE life happen FOR you.

I’m going to start this off by saying I am in NO WAY BODY SHAMING ANYONE I am simply promoting FIERCE SELF LOVE in the form of taking care of yourself! After that sentence I can already feel the online social justice warriors rallying. Any hooters, on with the show I suppose. In all honesty I want every single person to love themselves. I want everyone to love every inch of who they are. And I believe everyone is beautiful in their own right, but being fat isn’t healthy. It’s just not. I want everyone to love themselves not just as they are, I want them to love themselves enough to change for the better. I want them to love themselves enough to be healthy and happy and comfortable. If you are happy being a bigger person I’m happy for you and happy for your confidence, but I wish you’d promote loving yourself enough to start living healthy as opposed to just loving who you are right now. Fat isn’t healthy. There is an endless list of negative health problem associated with being overweight. My aunt just made a post on Facebook this morning; she’s lost 92lbs and now no longer needs high blood pressure medication, her fibromyalgia is in full remission, and her knee pain is gone! Our bodies are not equipped to handle so much extra weight. No one that is overweight lives a long and healthy life. No doctor is going to promote anyone being overweight. You are beautiful, you should love yourself, and no one is perfect as they are. Not one single person on this planet is perfect. Everyone has room for improvement. All I’m saying is love yourself enough to be better in all aspects. Love yourself enough to improve your physical health. Love yourself enough to improve your mental health. Love yourself enough to improve your spiritual health. Love yourself enough to be better. Love your self enough to be around for your kids and your grandkids. Love yourself enough to model healthy behaviors to your children. Love yourself enough to teach your children how to love themselves properly. I’m not shaming anyone. I am not fat phobic. I am simply promoting health and healthy self love. Please take care of yourself and your body, you only get one chance at this life. Live it to the fullest. Be the best you that you can be. Always strive to be the best version of yourself. Never stop improving. You are capable of anything you put your mind to. I love you all and I want you all here, happy, and healthy for as long as possible. Love yourself enough to be better.

I met with my PO yesterday and it went great per usual, but she asked me a question and I just laughed at her because I had no idea how to answer it appropriately. She said “Do holidays trigger you? With the 4th July was there any desire to use?” And I looked this woman dead in the face and laughed and replied “Oh, I don’t do that”. She was obviously taken aback by my response because, I’m going make a broad assumption here, she’s not used to dealing with people like myself. She used to people that are tiptoeing through life and sobriety avoiding all things that stir up any kind of mental or emotional trigger that may cause a relapse to jump out from behind any corner. That’s not me. I’m all the way good. And I know that sounds cocky and dangerous, which is why I laughed at her. Because I didn’t have the appropriate words at the time to answer the question in a non concerning way. I’ve thought about her question over the last 24 hours, I mean I really thought about it. Why is it that I’m absolutely confident and solid in my sobriety? Because I’ve found what I spent years looking for in my drug use. I found meaning. Meaning to everything, which in turn has given me hope. Hope, something I never thought actually existed. Let me back up to try and make a little more sense out of this garbled mess of a train of thought. I grew up surrounded by addiction. I also grew up very sad and very angry and very self loathing. I am a person that feels everything VERY deeply. It may not appear that way, but outward apathy is a developed coping mechanism. I’m also most definitely an introvert, which is also probably shocking to most people that know me. My extroverted personality is also a coping mechanism I developed. A manipulation tactic at times. No one knows anything’s wrong if you put on a spectacular show. So, back to growing up. I watched people I loved become people I didn’t recognize, but instead of turning me off to drugs and alcohol I was all the way intrigued. What in the actual fuck had they found that was worth throwing EVERYTHING away OVER AND OVER AND OVER AGAIN. I needed that. I needed to find something like that. Something to give me meaning. Something to give me a reason to keep going even if it was for all the wrong reasons. What I didn’t understand at the time was what you chase in addiction isn’t actually anything worth having. You’re not chasing a good time or a good feeling, well maybe in the beginning, but eventually what you’re chasing is escape. Like I said I feel everything deeply. Growing up I felt anger, sadness, rejection, loneliness all so deeply that happiness wasn’t even a part of the equation. I had no idea what happiness was. I had no idea what hope was. All I knew was pain and drugs and alcohol were an escape from that. It wasn’t until heroin that I really lost myself. Heroin was the be all and end all to YEARS of my existence. It was like when I found it everything stopped. I felt like I had been holding my breath my entire life and was finally able to breathe. It was the worst thing I could’ve ever found. I loved heroin because she blocked out everything. I felt nothing. I was no longer human. She ruined me. And I didn’t notice and didn’t care because I felt nothing. I didn’t know happiness and hope existed. I spent years thinking those were only things for people that could afford to be called eccentric. Hope and happiness weren’t for the likes of me. Oh, how wrong was I? All the way wrong. Through years of incarceration, years of treatment, years of therapy, years of introspection, and years of dedication to something new I’ve found it. This tiny little light at the bottom of this pit of despair. I found hope and once I found it and started to nurture it, it grew and it keeps growing. Hope starts out as something so small and grows into something monumental! I found hope, and through hope I found faith, and through faith I found meaning, and through meaning I found purpose, and through purpose I found myself. And I rather like myself. This person I never used to know and that I used to spend all my time hating, I now love and cherish. So, to my PO, I’m sorry for laughing, but I don’t do that. I don’t get “triggered” anymore. Using is no longer a viable option for any circumstance in my life. I see where I’ve come from and the places I’ve yet to go and going back isn’t an option. I’m working on me, I’m working on my family, and I’m working on sharing this thing called “hope”.

Here’s a sad fact I’m beginning to realize more and more; not everyone that claims to be on your team is actually cheering you on. I’m going to paraphrase a couple quotes here I heard recently that really resonated with me. Andy Frisella says personal excellence is the best form of rebellion and Dr Jordan Peterson says beauty is intimidating because by comparison it makes the ugly glow. People will feign excitement when you start doing better because that’s what you’re supposed to do. You’re not supposed to openly oppose someone getting their shit together and actually succeeding. So, they’ll clap and cheer out loud and silently hope for your downfall or worse even begin to plot on it. It’s ugly. Some people can’t stand to see you do better because when you were failing it made them look so much better by comparison. It’s truly ugly and despicable on a different kind of level. I think everyone is guilty of it at one point or another, but something I’ve learned is that if you focus that energy you’ve wasted on jealousy, envy, and even hatred to just love yourself you’ll make it a lot further. People stuck on this negative frequency just trying to lower people to their level as opposed to trying to level themselves up to match or exceed the thing they’re envious of are the ugliest type of people. I spent a good portion of my life hating myself and hating anyone who was achieving things I didn’t think possible for me to do. I’ve changed that. I fucking love myself. I think I’m fucking great and I know I’m capable of astounding things and I’m still envious of people a lot, but in a good way. I let that envy drive me to be better, to achieve more, to reach a new level. At this point in my life I wouldn’t even consider being mad at someone for straight killing it, I’d never consider dragging someone down to a lower vibration because of my own insecurities. And for a minute I started taking it personally that these people would want me to fail; until I realized it’s not my fucking problem. It’s not. It’s not my problem that I’m crushing life so hard that now you’re intimidated by my success. It’s not my problem that you think so little of yourself that you don’t think either of us is worthy of success. It’s not my problem that I’m achieving the things you said I’d never be able to do, but pretended you wanted for me. It’s not my problem that I’m exceeding all expectations and that upsets you. And you know what? I genuinely feel bad for you. I wish you knew you are capable of so much more than you’re settling for. I wish you knew that you can do anything. I wish you knew that you can be happy. I wish that you’d find what I’ve found. I wish that you would love yourself. And to anyone reading this I hope that you have a great day not just the day you deserve. I hope you have the best day you’ve ever had, especially y’all mother fuckers plotting anyone’s downfall. Because maybe if you got a taste of true happiness you’d understand it doesn’t come from extinguishing someone else’s. I hope you all find what makes you truly beautiful.

I am grateful for the struggles that I have today. I’m grateful because they’re not the struggles I’ve been accustomed to. These are the best struggles. The struggles of growth and change. The struggles of almost normalcy. My struggles today consist of being completely exhausted because of sick babies. Thank god for these babies. Trying to find someone to watch a sick baby so I can make it to work on time. Thank good for my amazing support system and my wonderfully understanding and accommodating job. Trying to perfect the daycare to work routine. Thank god for this fantastic daycare making it possible for me to even get this job in the first place. Trying to figure out the best schedule after work to home. Thank god for my wonderful for working with me to make my life as easy as possible when I get home. Switching cars daily with my husband so he can pick the kids up from school. Thank god we have two running cars and that he’s able to pick them up. Trying to be the best me so I can be the best mommy and wife. Thank god for these opportunities that I never thought I’d get. Today my struggles are filled with joy and gratitude. Thank god my struggles aren’t the ones I’ve been accustomed to. Thank god my struggles no longer consist of worrying about being too hot in the summer because we have one window AC and one car with no AC. Worrying about being too cold in the winter because our pipes would freeze and the furnace would stop working. Worrying about washing clothes in the bathtub because our washer and dryer didn’t work and we couldn’t afford the laundromat. Wondering if our car was going to run out of gas because the gauge didn’t work and we couldn’t afford the full it all the way up. Wondering if we had enough food for everyone or if I’d have to skip dinner. Wondering if our house or car was going to get broken into because our neighborhood wasn’t good. Worrying about the rent or the lights being due. Feeling awful because I can’t take the kids to do everything they want. Feeling like I’m constantly failing. Hoping that we put on enough of a show so that no one knew how badly we were struggling. Thank god those are no longer my struggles. Thank god for the struggles I have today. Thank god for each and every one of my blessings.

There’s four things I’ve learned about negativity in my life thus far; 1. Everyone has negative thoughts and feelings 2. Those thoughts and feelings are temporary so long as you don’t feed into them 3. When left to fester negativity spreads like a virus 4. Negativity never solves anything. So, let’s discuss. Everyone on the planet has negative thoughts and feelings every now and again or maybe even more often than others, but you are wholly in control of yourself, your thoughts, and your actions. Just because you have a negative thought or feeling doesn’t mean you have to act on it or dwell on it. Absolutely allow yourself to feel the feeling and acknowledge the thought and release it. Dwelling in those negative feelings is never helpful and it’s only going to cause you to get stuck in this terrible tailspin of negativity. If it’s harder to release those thoughts and feelings instead get up and go do something that proves those thoughts false. If I think “damn it, I’m so tired and grumpy! I haven’t slept in days and I don’t even want to go to work” Welp slap your big girl pants on because we’re combating negativity with opposite action. That was my exact thought this morning. Guess who got up at 530 and got showered, drank some coffee, got the kids clothes picked out, and breakfast for the little ready before her shift? This girl! Why? Because I am not my negative thoughts. I am stronger than them, I am better than them, and I will not be defeated by my self ever again. When you do the exact opposite of what your negativity wants you to do it actually helps boost your confidence and self esteem because you physically proved yourself wrong. BOOM! Still tired, but in a pretty good mood and ready to make today my biatch! Now, had I fed into that negativity and called into work to try and sleep many not so great things would likely happen. For one I’d let that negativity win and I’d start to feel worse about myself. More than likely all the kids would wake up immediately and I wouldn’t get to sleep any way. I’d leave my work short handed which would also make me feel bad. I’d set a poor example for my children. I’d miss out on extra hours on my check. And I’d probably be a bitch all day because I’d be stewing in that negativity that I let take control. Which leads into the next thing. Negativity, when left to fester, is a virus. If I let the negativity win my terrible energy would rub off on those around me. I’d probably spend most my day being a bitch having a pity party and all the while putting my husband in a worse and worse mood. No one wants to hang around with negative people because it hurts their own vibration. Then my negative mood transfers to my husbands mood and next thing you know we’re rubbing off on the kids and then the whole house is angry and walking on eggshells for no reason other than I’m upset with myself and I’m going to put the whole house on edge for my own problems I chose to deal with improperly. And say I’m still stuck in the negativity and I encounter someone who is throwing their negativity around like confetti also I’m probably going to want to join in the flinging of negativity, but you know what? That’s only going to cause bigger problems. Trying to solve negativity with more negativity is like shutting off all the lights in your house to try and make the one light that burnt out work again. It’s not going to work and then everything is going to be dark for no reason. Snuffing out the light of others never makes your own brighter it just deepens the darkness around everyone. Be the light. Don’t succumb to negativity.

I was listening to a podcast recently and the whole topic of the show that day was a Dear Jane article written by a man. This guy had written and said something along the lines of he and his wife had been married for several years and gave a couple kids together and she’s gained 50+ pounds. He said that she no longer works out and eats like shit and that he loves her very much but he’s not physically attracted to her anymore. He said what first attracted him to her was her athletic physique and her desire to take care of herself and that she no longer does these things and he wanted to know how to bring this up to her without hurting her. Well, as expected the women of the internet RIPPED this poor man apart and I don’t understand why. Here’s my perspective on the situation. Physical attraction is a key component of any relationship. He was attracted to the way she looked. They bonded over shared interests of eating healthy and working out. After getting married and having kids she quit doing the things they had first bonded over and what had initially made her attractive to him. For a relationship to work you have to keep dating your spouse. You have to keep doing the things that brought you together. You can’t just stop doing those things once you’re married with children, that’s not fair to your spouse. You can’t be exactly what they want you to be in the beginning and then be something entirely different later on and then wonder why your relationship is failing. You don’t fall out of love, either one or both of you just quits trying. My relationship for example; what first drew me to my husband was how he looked. I was used to people needing to get attention by any means necessary. I was used to be people sucking all the oxygen out of the room like an open flame. When I first saw Wyatt he was the exact opposite. He didn’t seek attention, but he definitely got it. He was this giant muscular man with tons of tattoos and piercing blue eyes and he only spoke when he needed too with this deep and booming yet quiet voice. When he walked in the room you noticed him because his presence commanded respect. And when he spoke to me I felt special and noticed because he didn’t speak much in the presence of other. And when he was with me he wasn’t cold and hard, I got to see him when he was soft and warm and loved him immediately. And now nearly 5 years, 2 more kids, and officially married our relationship is still like it was when we first started dating. We still do the things we bonded over. And we still try new things. And we still take care of each other. And we still learn new things. For Father’s Day the kids and I got him a gym membership so he can go workout uninterrupted by the normal household craziness. When he wants to try out a new diet, I support him by doing it with him (with a bit more cheating). When he leaves for work and I bring the kids to daycare, I meditate and get a small workout in because it’s important even after years together and children to take care of yourself and be physically attractive to your partner. There’s nothing vain about that, everyone wants to be physically attractive to their partner. Everyone wants a partner that they are proud to show off (my husband is a total stud btw). And he continues to show his love for me by knowing me better than I know myself most days. For example the other day I was having a meltdown because it was just too loud upstairs and I was trying to clean and the kids were yelling and the TV was on and I’m pretty sure my exact quote was “I just need it to be quiet for 10 fucking minutes” and his wonderful response was “would you like me to go get your ear plugs?” And then he did and I wore them around the house until the chaos inside me calmed down. Another example from when we were at my family’s cabin this weekend. I was cooking lunch and he was trying to ask me something and I just wasn’t getting it and I stormed off to continue cooking after throwing my hands up and saying “I must be stupid because I don’t get what the fuck your asking me!” And a few minutes later he comes into the kitchen where I’m nearly crying into the bacon for no reason and he feeds me a piece of bacon then walks away. And then he comes up behind me and shoved half a chocolate bar in my face and whispers “you aren’t you when you’re hungry”. And I laughed like and idiot and ate the chocolate bar. And guys just this morning this man texts me and asks if I want to take ballroom dancing lessons! Fuck yeah I do! I’ve never expressed my interest in learning how to dance, but I have always wanted to learn. Hell we didn’t even have a wedding dance because neither of us knows how to dance and making a public spectacle of ourselves feeling completely idiotic and uncomfortable wasn’t our idea of a good first dance. So, he read my mind apparently. He’s signing us up and my in laws up for ballroom dancing lessons. I love him so much. And he clearly loves me so much. Love is not just a feeling, but an action. You have to actively work on loving each other every day. Date your spouse. Don’t get complacent in your relationship. Continue doing the things that brought you together, do new things, learn a thing or two and actively love each other. I am so very grateful to be married to the man that I am. I am so grateful to have someone committed to loving me. I am so grateful to have a man committed to being a great father as well as a partner. I am so grateful that I have someone that is as committed to loving me as hard as I am to loving him.

Progress looks different for different people. At times I forget this. At times I get down on myself because I look at myself in comparison to other people. At times I feel like I’m failing because I’m not where other people my age are. At times I forgot my journey is not the same at anyone else’s. At times I forget to give myself grace. At times I forget what I’ve come up from. No two people are on the same journey. You shouldn’t compare your progress with the progress of anyone else because your progress is going to look entirely different than theirs. I have to remind myself constantly that I am far better off today than I was even just two years ago. I have to remind myself that even though I’m doing what most people would consider “normal” things to do that those ARE progress for me because I’ve NEVER done them successfully before. A lot of people, myself included at times, lack the ability to see the progress in doing the things you’re SUPPOSED to do in society. I have been in long term sobriety. Obviously you’re not supposed to do drugs, so sometimes that gets down played. I got a job that I show up for ever shift early. Well, you’re supposed to work in an functional society. Yeah well, I haven’t worked a steady job in probably two years. I’ve gotten our two youngest into daycare and am in the process of getting our 5 year old into kindergarten. Well, as a parent you’re supposed to do that. I’ve never had to before. I’ve been making and going to doctors appointments for myself and all the children. You’re supposed to do that. Yep, I know but I’ve never gone much myself and someone else always did it for me for the kids. We have health insurance and the child support is being paid regularly. Well, isn’t that supposed to happen. Yep, but we’ve never been good about it. We’ve got two cars that run so we can each get to work and get the kids to and from school. Don’t most families? Probably, but this is a first for us. We’re three kids deep in my in laws basement. Don’t most families normally have their own home? Most likely, but we did and it wasn’t a good situation so we swallowed our pride and asked for help and here we are; fixing our credit and saving up for an actual home. I cannot discredit our progress because we’re just now achieving things most people have done for years. These are huge changes in our life. If I look at where we’ve been versus where we are now we have taken huge leaps and bounds in our lives and ourselves. We are growing, changing, and improving daily. I cannot discredit our progress because it looks different than anyone else’s. Our progress is huge. Our progress is amazing. Our progress is an eternal blessing. I am so proud of how far we’ve come. I am so proud of the work we have and continue to put in. I am proud of the future we envision and continue working toward. I am so proud of us.