I’m Working on It

If you haven’t watched this documentary yet I highly suggest you do. It’s called No Safe Spaces and you can watch it for free on Tubi. It’s essentially about our First Amendment rights and how they are slowly being infringed upon. For those of that aren’t sure what the First Amendment is, that is our right to freedom of speech. In theory everyone is all for freedom of speech right? Kind of. Everyone is absolutely for their own freedom of speech, but not so much everyone else’s. What do I mean by that? I mean everyone is for freedom of speech if they agree with what’s being said, but if they don’t agree with you or if what you’re saying makes them uncomfortable they don’t want your freedom of speech protected. That’s the beauty of freedom of speech. I can say whatever the fuck I want to and as long as I’m not threatening the well-being of anyone then I can say whatever the fuck I please. People are so afraid of being uncomfortable that they would rather have rights stripped away than just ignore what is being said. People have differing opinions and views, but listening to those is how we learn and grow. Growth is uncomfortable. We need to take the time to actually listen and hear people out before we bastardize them and their ideas. I, for one, have grown immensely as a person. My options of things have changed DRAMATICALLY from what they were just a couple short years ago. Why? Because I took the time to listen and learn in an effort to grow. Would you like to hear some controversial opinions I have at this point in my life? If not close out of this right now because you may not like what I have to say. I believe anyone on any kind of public assistance should be drug tested regularly. I believe alcohol sales should cease at midnight. I believe all these tiny little casinos around town should be shut down. I believe abortion should be legal, although I don’t agree with terminating a perfectly healthy baby, but it is your body and that is absolutely your right. I don’t believe there should be advertising for alcohol on TV, we don’t advertise for any nicotine products so why would be advertise for alcohol? I don’t believe PRIDE should be for children. I don’t believe we should be marketing sexuality to children in any way. Let them be children and let them decide who they want to be once their adults. I believe there should be harsher penalties for violent offenders and drug dealers. I believe we need to attempt to better rehabilitate our inmate population as opposed to just punishing them. I believe there should be more support for those reintegrating into society from prison. I believe doctors should push a healthier lifestyle as opposed to pushing medications. I believe all speech should be protected, even the speech that makes people uncomfortable, even the speech that is upsetting, even the speech that hurts feelings. These are some of my beliefs and my opinions. It’s absolutely fine if you don’t like them, but is my right to have them and to speak on them. I will not be silent simply based on weather or not my opinion on things makes you uncomfortable. You may agree with them or may not. Either way that’s fine, if you’d like to discuss I’d love to chat because I enjoy a good debate or even just learning something new. There’s plenty of thing so don’t know enough about to have an opinion on and that’s okay. I just know that once we start putting limitations on some of our rights we slowly begin to lose the freedoms that make this country so great.

For the last few days I have written about some incredibly dark shit, but don’t let that make you lose sight of how unbelievably happy and blessed I am today. I am who I am today not only in spite of my past, but also because of my past. Everything that ever happened, that I ever went through led me here. Led me to exactly where I needed and wanted so badly to be. Because of how dark my past was I know what it’s like to be hopeless and then to find hope. Because of my past I know what it’s like to lose my faith and then be able to find it again. Because of my past I know what it’s like to feel so alone and now be able to bask in the never ending love around me. Because of my past I know what it’s like to be broken and now be able to harness that into my strength. Because of my past I know how dark life can be and now I’ve found the light and choose to share that with those still stuck in that darkness. I choose to acknowledge my past. I choose to acknowledge all the pain. I choose to acknowledge the ugliness. I choose to acknowledge the imperfections. I choose to acknowledge the growing pains. I choose to acknowledge the struggles. I choose to acknowledge the wins. I choose to acknowledge the dark as well as the light because one cannot exist without the other. I speak on the things I’ve been through and where I am now to let others know that change is possible no matter who you are or where you are at in your life. Things may be tough and they don’t have to stay that way. I have struggled, I have hurt, I have lost and yet I prevail. Today I am in a place I’ve never been. A place of love, safety, security, and growth. Today I am a strong and proud wife, mother, daughter, sister, and friend. Today I am better than I have ever been and I’m not going back. I have all the love and all the support I could ever ask for and none of this would be possible without that. Determination, love, and support will move mountains. I am proud of the person I am today. I choose to acknowledge every part of my life and every part of who I am. Life is a hell of a ride and I’ve finally taken the reins.

Survivor’s guilt amongst addicts is a very real and very common thing, I speak on this from experience. I’ve seen more of my friends buried than married. The last time I counted was years ago; at least 13 dead and at least 5 in federal prison for decades of their lives for choices they had made. These are people I went to school with, people I grew up with, people I spent years of my life with; just gone one day. When you’re actively using you’re almost numb to the news that another one of your friends was found dead. Once you get sober there comes a day that the realization that those people are gone forever becomes soul crushingly real. For me it hit all once; it was like I had stepped in front of a train. I couldn’t breathe I was sobbing so hard. These people that I LOVED will never be with me again. All these memories and all these harsh realizations were breath taking, bone break, soul sucking and I felt it all. I felt everything so much. This sudden loss that I had never allowed myself to feel before was so huge now I had no idea what to do with it. I’d never processed through loss before and I felt so much guilt. Guilt that I was here and they weren’t. Guilt that they would never get another chance to live and I did. Guilt that I was fucking this chance up. Guilt that they were more worthy of this chance than me. Guilt that I should’ve done something to save them. Guilt that maybe if I would’ve done something different they’d still be here. Guilt because I thought it was somehow my fault they were gone. Guilt because I loved them and I hated me and now I’m stuck here with just me and these memories and these feelings that I didn’t know what to do with. I remember this one time I hadn’t gotten high for a few days and I was so sick. I was throwing up and dry heaving and shaking so bad it was like I was having a seizure but fully conscious. The guy I was dating at the time was trying desperately to find drugs when one of my friends burst in the house and started screaming at him. She hit him over and over again just yelling “you need to do something, you need to do something!” He held up his phone and said he was trying. She started swinging harder and said “not that you stupid mother fucker! You need do something DIFFERENT AND NOW! She’s going die. You’re going to wake up one day SOON and she’s going to be dead and it’s going to be YOUR FAULT BECAUSE YOU’RE TOO SELFISH TO ACTUALLY DO SOMETHING” and then she sat on the floor and cried for a long time. That’s exactly what survivors guilt for an addict feels like, everything she felt said, did, and felt right there. That used to echo in my head all the time. What if I would’ve DONE SOMETHING, done anything other than get high with these people, then maybe they’d still be here. Maybe if I hadn’t been so selfish. Maybe if I had spoken up. Maybe if I had asked for help. Maybe if I’d just done something different I wouldn’t be here alone with just memories and regrets. Here’s the thing I’ve learned, that thinking is wrong. It’s flat out wrong. Yes, you absolutely could’ve made different choices, but in reality would it have really changed the outcome? As it pertains to other people, probably not. You can’t change anyone that isn’t ready for change. You can’t show people the light that don’t believe it exists. The only person you are capable of saving is yourself. So do it. Save yourself, because no matter what you are worth saving, you are worth this life you’ve been given. Make a come back so great it inspires others to do the same.

You know what I’ve realized? I think this is exactly what trips a lot of people up, my self included for a long time. Going back to work and bringing the kids to daycare has forced me to remember who I am outside my roles. Outside my role as an employee, outside my role as a wife, outside my role as a mommy; who is Taylor? When my husband has left for work, when my kids are at daycare, when the chores are done, before my shift starts I’m alone in an empty house. Well, not entirely alone, I’m there alone with myself. I’m alone with the person that used to be my own biggest enemy. My problem used to be that I’d get so caught up in these roles I played the moment I was alone I didn’t know what to do, I’d lost myself and the self I was alone with I hated. I’d hated her for so long. I thought she was a bad person, with bad thoughts, that did bad things, and that deserved bad things to happen and with that mindset it was a self fulfilling prophecy, I set myself up for failure every fucking time. The difference now? I’m not scared to be alone with myself because I know who I am and I love her. I am an amazing person who deserves amazing things. I am a person that occasionally has bad thoughts that I choose to acknowledge as only a thought and then release them. I am a person that works very hard for her family which is a role a love and I know I am a unique person outside of that role. I am a person that has done/is doing/ and will continue to do great things. I am person that loves to learn. I am a person that loves to help people. I am a person that has a deep connection with my higher power that I enjoy connecting with daily through meditation. I am a person that loves my body and I enjoy taking care of it and finding new ways to love it better. I may be great at the roles I play in my life. I may love everything about the roles I play in my life. And I must not forget that I am a person outside those roles. I must remember to love her and cherish her because without her I wouldn’t be able to play any of those roles. Get to know yourself, who you truly are. Be kind to yourself, love yourself, and treat yourself with the same respect and dedication you give to the roles you play. You are a great person, inside and out, who deserves love and respect.

I was laying in bed last night sleeping next to my husband and our two tiniest babies and I was just in awe of my life. My life is far from perfect, but it’s beyond amazing. The first picture is me in 2017 nodded out on heroin, the second picture is me in 2023 heading to my own wedding reception. My life in 2017 was an absolute train wreck, but from the outside looking in it was great. I had a good job, I worked front desk and lead sales at State Farm Insurance. I owned my own mobile home. I had 2 nice cars and a car payment on both of them. I wore make up, nice clothes, and heels to work every day. I lived with the guy I had dated all throughout high school. People thought we were doing well, it certainly looked like we were, but that was the whole point. The whole goal was to look like everything was fine. That’s how I had lived my entire life, if everything looks fine, and everyone thinks I’m fine, then I’m fine. No one knew that my bank account was constantly negative. No one knew that I spent every cent I made on heroin. No one knew I went home to get high on my lunch break so I didn’t get sick at work. No one knew I had concealer up and down my arms. No one knew my power got shut off all the time. No one knew how bad our fights got. No one knew there was never food in my house. No one knew I was washing clothes in the dark in my bathtub. No one knew I had to replace my front door 3 times because it had been kicked in on 3 separate occasions. No one knew I funded my bills and drugs will illegal ventures. No one knew how bad off I was because I was good at faking it. I was a fucking professional at making sure you knew I was doing great. It wasn’t until shit hit the fan that all the shit started raining down at once. I thought that was going to be my life forever, however long forever was going to be, not long I suspected. I never expected to have anything different than what I was used to, struggling in silence and living the saddest existence. I never expected to get married. I never expected to have children. I never expected to be happy. I never even expected to live this long. How horrible is that? But that’s the truth for far too many people. I never wanted help, never thought I needed help. I thought I could do it all myself, I was used to doing it all myself. I had too much pride and I thought there was too much shame in asking for help. My salvation wasn’t treatment, I’d been to treatment so many times; inpatient, outpatient, counseling, DBT, CBSA, MRT, Drug Court, you name it I’ve done it and I’ve graduated it because I can give people exactly what they need to think I’m okay. I’m a sales woman at heart and a good one at that. I’d sell you on the fact that I’m doing just fine all the while falling completely to pieces. I found my salvation in a jail cell. It took multiple incarcerations, forced stints of sobriety, and isolation for me to realize that this isn’t what I wanted out of life. I didn’t know exactly what I wanted, but if I was going to live I wanted to LIVE not just survive. There is no pleasure in constantly running from that which only seeks to love you. I finally set my pride aside and I let myself feel that love that I had been running from, that love I’d been avoiding, that love I kept pushing away, that love I kept lying to. I finally felt what it was like to be cared for, I finally felt hope. For the first time in forever I had hope and I was surrounded by so much love and finally getting high wasn’t even an option anymore. The desire to run away and hide within myself and behind substances dissolved. I’m finally able to be me. I’m able to give and receive love. I’m able to be open and honest with myself and others. Today I live a life that I love. I’m close with my family. I have an amazing husband who is focused on elevating both of us. I have 6 perfect children. I have regained my faith. I have hope for today and for the future. And I hope to help those who are as lost and as broken as I was. I have found the light and I want nothing more than to spread it.

Something that drives me FUCKING insane is the glamorizing of mental illness all over social media. There’s people that think it’s cute to be out here acting crazy, recording it, posting about it, taking pictures of the aftermath with some stupid ass caption like “crazy runs in the family” or “I can’t help it I’m a Gemini” or “he loves me cuz I’m crazy” or whatever dumb ass “haha” inspiring caption they decide to put with it. There’s nothing funny about being crazy, legitimate mental illness isn’t funny, it isn’t cute, it’s not a personality type, and it’s fully within your control. People posting this kind of stuff either A. Don’t know what actual mental illness is or B. Have never experienced actual consequences as a result of these actions. If you are actually mentally ill I pray you get the help you need and quit pretending that shit is a game. If you are a mentally unwell adult, it’s not cute, you should get help because those actions are toxic and toxicity spreads. If you are doing this dumb shit because its “trending” knock it the fuck off. It’s funny until someone gets hurt. It’s funny until someone hits you back. It’s funny until you end up in jail. It’s funny until you’re locked in behavioral health. It’s funny until it starts impacting your relationships. It’s funny until your kids pick up on it. It’s funny until you realize there’s real consequences. It’s not cute to beat on your significant other. It’s not cute to start fights with strangers. It’s not cute to destroy people’s property, clothes, cars, etc. It’s not cute to yell and scream at people. It’s not cute to endanger yourself or others. Anything you do or say on social media is being seen by so many people; some of those people are vulnerable, some of them are impressionable. Be careful what you choose to put out there because the world is watching and if you’re going to make a difference in someone’s life make it be a positive one. Take care of yourself, mental health isn’t a joke, being crazy isn’t cute.

Children, no matter their age, all want a good, loving, supportive relationship with both their parents. The relationship may be damaged, there may be anger, or resentments, or whatever; regardless children WANT that relationship to be positive. No matter their age or what the problem is in that relationship it is NEVER the responsibility of the child to try and mend that relationship. Let me say that again; IT IS NEVER THE RESPONSIBILITY OF THE CHILD TO MEND THE RELATIONSHIP. It doesn’t matter if the child is 65 and the parents are 85 the child wants a good relationship and it is not their job to attempt to fix what is broken. No matter what the parent is always the parent and the child is always the child. You can be mad, you can be sad, you can be hurt but that will never change the roles. If that relationship is to continue it is solely on the parent. To blame a child for not attempting to maintain a relationship with a parent that deep down they so desire is like dropping your dog off at your neighbor’s while you go on vacation, never picking it up, and then being mad at the dog for not coming home. We could even add another layer to that, while your mad at the dog for never coming home you’re also upset at the neighbor for keeping your dog from you. Hey buddy, you left the dog there, that dog misses you, but you never came and got it. You asked the neighbor to keep it while you were gone, you never told them when you got home, and you never went to pick the dog up. Your neighbor didn’t ask for this, the dog didn’t ask for this, so what the fuck are you mad about? You did this! I hear parents all the time, “well, their other parent keeps the kid from me” “well, I don’t approve of my kids life choices” “well, my kid won’t talk to me” “well, my kid doesn’t invite me to stuff” “well, my kid hurt my feelings” SHUT THE FUCK UP! Seriously, shut the fuck up with your poor me victim mentality. You, as the parent, are NEVER the victim in a damaged relationship with your child and if you think you are get the fuck away from me and reevaluate your life. It’s not your child’s job to reach out, it’s not your child’s job to consider your feelings, it’s not your child’s job to do things your way. Your child is going to be your child forever, they are always going to seek your approval, they are always going to want you to be in their life, they are always going to hope you’ll come around. No matter what they say, how they act, how old they are; they always want you. They want you to call, they want you to show up, they want you to apologize, they just want you. Your children want you. The parent child relationship is the only one where one party will forever be seeking a relationship with the other. Any excuse you have as a parent for not showing up for your child is complete and total bullshit. Your child wants you to at least try. They want you to put in the effort. They want to feel like they’re wanted. They want to feel like they’re worth it. Your child doesn’t want to feel like an option. If you think you’re hurting by not having a relationship with your child I can promise you the pain that child is feeling is so much more intense than any pain you’re feeling. Drop the excuses, quit being selfish and pick up your phone, hop in your car, do whatever it is you need to and show your kids that you love them. That’s all they’ve ever wanted.

I’ve had some time to think and when you didn’t show, when you ignored my calls, my texts, after you said you’d be there and I waited; my brain switched back to that of a traumatized four year old girl waiting for her daddy to pick her up. The daddy that would never show, the daddy that ignored the calls, the daddy that left forever. I went back to thinking like that traumatized four year old girl. I was devastated. Why does this keep happening? What did I do wrong? Am I not deserving of love? What could be more important? Why won’t you just answer me? I need a reason! Do you know you’re breaking my heart? Do you care? No. I’m not that four year old girl. I’m strong, I am resilient, I am powerful, and I don’t need you; I never did. I am hurt, I am sad, I will move on without you and that’s entirely your loss. The issue is not nor has it ever been mine, it’s yours. There’s nothing I could’ve or would’ve done differently to make you change. I know that, I’ve always known that, but I got my hopes up. I thought maybe just maybe you could put me first for once. I thought maybe this time you wouldn’t make my stuff about you. I thought maybe you could at least pretend to care. I thought wrong. I knew better than to expect more from you. You are selfish to your very core you always have been and that’s never going to change. You’ve proven time and time again you aren’t willing to change, you’re actions speak for themselves. I stand by my decision to write you off for good. I am done giving you chances you didn’t ask for and hurting my own feelings. I’m done letting you and anyone else treat me or my family like an option. I done with openly inviting any kind of negativity into my life. I am done with you. I hope you live the life you deserve. I take solace in knowing my children will never experience the things you’ve put me through.

My siblings love you, to them you’re great, you’re everything they need, they have their complaints but what child doesn’t? It’s different for me, I’m not yours I get that but you’ve been there since I can remember, but it’s different. I pretend like that doesn’t bother me, but in all honesty what girl doesn’t want a dad? I always have and I’ve never gotten one. Today was supposed to be my day, today was supposed to celebrate my marriage and you said you’d be there. I even verified with you days ahead of time. I don’t know why I got my hopes up. There were so many people there, but not you. You never came, never texted me back, never answered my calls. I don’t know why I didn’t expect it, I should’ve. So, when my siblings said you were just sitting at home I was crushed. Just sitting at home watching your phone ring. I don’t know why it blind sided me. I should’ve known better, you’ve always let me down. I was really hoping you’d be there to hug me, to celebrate this huge moment, to share in the love. It was such a happy day that is tainted with so much anger. I am so angry at you and at me. I’m angry at you for hurting me again and I’m so fucking angry at myself for getting my hopes up and letting you hurt me again. Fuck you. Fuck you for never being the dad I needed. Fuck you for never being able to put me first. Fuck you for letting me down over and over again. Fuck you for lying to me. Fuck you for pretending like you’re trying. Fuck you for even wanting to be a grandpa to my children. Fuck you for tricking me. Fuck you for making me feel stupid. Fuck you for making me feel small and insignificant. Fuck you for giving me hope. And fuck me too. Fuck me for believing your lies. Fuck me for getting my hopes up. Fuck me for thinking you’d be any different than you’d ever been. And most of all fuck me for hurting own feelings expecting different from someone who’s proven time and time again that they’re incapable of changing. I’ve always wanted a dad but I guess I never fucking needed one so fuck you any way. To hell with you, I’m done.

Today will be my second day back the work force after 2 years and is tiniest babies’ third day of daycare. Everyone keeps asking the same two questions; “Was it hard going back to work?” and “Did you cry when you brought them to daycare?” Here’s the thing; both those things were hard, not physically, but emotionally. My tiniest babies have never been away from me and leaving them in the care of someone else is hard. Going to work and being away from them is hard. That being said even though it’s hard, it’s good for us. It’s good for me to go to work, earn some money, get some time away from the kids, and feel like I’m contributing more. It’s good for the kids to go to daycare, be around other kids, learn new things, and develop their independence. I didn’t cry, I ask them how much fun they had and what they learned because my husband says you shouldn’t talk bad about what is best for you. And he’s right, if I cry or freak out or act sad about leaving then there it’s only going to make it harder on them. If I tell them to have fun with their friends and learn lots and smile when I drop them off it’s going to be a much easier transition for them. I don’t need any negativity surrounding what is best for my family, so I’m going to be happy about it because even thought it’s hard it’s a good thing. In all honesty my biggest struggle was with dropping off Arie, because she’s old enough to notice. Kaja is still basically human larva so it doesn’t impact him as much. I have my own abandonment issues and dropping her off the first day she was fine until I came back and she burst into tears and then when I went to drop her off the second day she was a bit more hesitant for me to put her down because last time I left her there. And that makes me sad. Seeing her panic because I’m leaving makes me stomach knot up so hard I could throw up. I wish I could explain to her and have her understand, as her 1 year old little self, that mommy will always come back. The thought of her being there and being sad because she doesn’t have us makes me want to cry. I don’t ever want her to feel like I’ve abandoned her or that I don’t want to be with her. But that’s my issue. Those are my feelings, I have no idea if that’s how she feels or not, because she is 1 and she can’t tell me that and it’s not right for me to impose my feelings of abandonment on her. My trauma isn’t hers and I can’t put that in her. She’s a baby and she’s going to be sad about not being with us for a few hours a day because it’s not what she’s used to, but it’s only for a few hours and soon this will be her regular routine and she is going to have fun and look forward to it. So yes, this is all hard, but it’s hard because of my own feelings and my own issues. Here are some truths; this is hard, this will get easier, this is good for us. Nothing good for us is ever easy, but being uncomfortable is a sign that we’re growing.