I’m Working on It

This is what unvoiced expectations look like. This is last nights trash that I took out of the can, tied up, and sat next to the bar to be taken out. The trash I EXPECTED my husband to take out, but never verbalized to him. The same trash my mother in law saw this morning and also expected my husband to take out, but also did not verbalize. So, here the trash sits, because both of us had expectations for someone that neither of us vocalized. People aren’t mind readers, even if an expectation seems blatantly obvious to you. Keep that in mind. If you expect something from someone you’re going to have to relay that information to them.

My least favorite word to come out of my childrens’ mouths is “no”, I think that’s probably most parents least favorite word. My daughter actually has taken to mocking me when I tell her no, little turd. More often than not, before I rephrase my request, I follow that “no” from them with “no is only an option when it comes to your body”. And at this point in their lives I don’t think my kids fully understand that validity in that statement. No is only an option when it comes to your body. I; as a parent, human being, and female who has experienced physical and sexual abuse, want my children to understand that “no” is ALWAYS an option when it comes to their body. For the littles, if they don’t want a stranger to change their diaper no is absolutely an okay response. For all my kids if you don’t want to give someone a hug or a kiss that they’ve requested, no is absolutely okay. Your body is all yours and who touches and sees it is entirely up to you. I never want my kids to be put in a situation where they think they are obligated to give or receive physical touch when they are not comfortable with it, no matter who the other party is or how simple the request. If a friend tickling you makes you uncomfortable, no. If a family member wanting a hug makes you uncomfortable, no. If you go on a date and they want a kiss and you are uncomfortable, no. No matter who it is, if you are uncomfortable NO IS ALWAYS AN OPTION. No is always an option without remorse or explanation and it should be respected without question. I have gone on dates, gotten favors, made sales where the other party now thinks that I owe them some sort of physical compensation. That is WRONG. I will teach my kids that you are NEVER OWED physical touch of any kind from another human being and reversely you yourself NEVER OWE any kind of physical touch to ANYONE. You are in control of your body wholly. I want them to grow up respecting their bodies and their boundaries and giving that same respect to other people. I hope my children understand the importance of respecting their boundaries and the boundaries of others and the importance of the word “no”.

Our whole existence is just an illusion based entirely on our own perception. I heard a quote the other day I really liked and I can’t remember it exactly, but it went something like: anything you you acknowledge you breathe life into and solidify its existence. Meaning anything you choose to acknowledge will become your reality. Is that guy across the bar giving you a dirty look or did he forget his glasses and he’s squinting to read the clock behind you? Is your wife purposely ignoring you or is she just listening for the kids because it’s gotten concerningly quiet? Is your husband being short with you because he’s mad at you or is he just exhausted from a hard day of work? Everything is merely your perception unless you take the time to inquire further, but even then their answer, unless taken at face value, is also just your perception. No two people are going to experience the exact same situation the exact same way. This is exactly why positive self talk and a positive mindset are so important. If your life is based entirely on your own thoughts and perceptions why in the fuck would you chose anything negative? It’s literally a choice to be or feel negative. Your mindset and your self talk shape your entire world around you. The way you talk to yourself will manifest into exactly those thoughts. If you think “god I’m so stupid of course I fucked it up again” your going to feel like shit and you’re probably going to keep fucking up because that’s the reality you just created for yourself. The easiest thing in the world is to just talk to yourself like you’d talk to any other person. The terrible shit you say to yourself is generally never something you’d never utter to another human being, so why the fuck would you talk to yourself like that? Often we are much too critical of ourselves. Give yourself a break and some kindness. It’s easier than you’d think to consciously change that negative self talk. Instead of “god I’m so stupid of course I fucked it up again”, try “that fucking sucked, but it’s over now. I’m human I make mistakes, but I am smart and resilient and I’ve learned from this”. Any time that train of negative self talk starts rolling out of control, stop it mid thought, don’t breathe it into existence. Correct it with loving kindness and understanding. Do this as often as you can and eventually it’s going to be normal, it won’t take any effort, and one day you’ll notice that negative self talk isn’t your go to when something happens. It’ll change your whole life. If your life is based entirely on your perception why in the fuck would you chose anything other than love, kindness, and happiness? Change your perception and change your life.

All feelings all valid but that doesn’t make them true. That being said sometimes I feel like I fall short in places. I love love love being at home with my kids, but I know financially it would be incredibly helpful if I went back to work. And I would love to go back to school, but I tried once already and it didn’t go well. I literally couldn’t make time to get all of the work done and to be honest I fucking hate school, I can’t sit there and focus, I can’t concentrate on reading a book or doing homework, my brain just scatters. My husband is looking at going back to school and I support that a million percent, he’s a fucking genius and the most determined human being I’ve ever met and I know that he’s fully capable of doing anything he puts his mind to. But I feel bad that he would work full time and go to school full time, he would be so busy and I don’t want him to stress out about anything, because I know he will. I want to be able to get a job and help with money to kind of lighten the load. I feel like I just don’t do enough. He works his ass off and wants to go to school and work his ass off there too and I sit at home with our two youngest and I still can’t make time to put away the same pile of clean laundry that’s been on our floor for two weeks. I just want to feel like I’m putting in as much effort as he is, I want to feel like I support our family as much as he does. Sometimes I just feel utterly useless and I know that isn’t true, but sometimes those negative feelings are hard to shake and it helps to talk it out, you know?

Disclaimer: this post is about medications and mind altering substances, this is merely my opinion on the subject. If you don’t agree, great, there’s no need to argue. You can either continue reading or close the page. Thank you. Alright, as I’ve said before, I’m a recovering drug addict with a plethora of mental health diagnoses and I am/have been entirely drug, medication, mind altering substance free for approximately 2 years (I have no idea the exact date because I feel keeping track of it puts much too much pressure on something so menial). I feel better today than I ever have in my entire life, I believe, due to having a clear mind, body, and soul. I am not saying that without experience. I have put just about everything in my body I could all in an attempt to feel better. I’ve used alcohol, drugs, MAT, antidepressants, antipsychotics, anxiety meds, anything you can think of I’ve probably used. I was in search of an external solution to an internal problem, I think a lot of people are. Any drug or even prescription medication I used or abused I thought was making me feel better, but in reality it just made me feel different. Different isn’t necessarily better, different was just not the same feeling of bottomless despair and hopelessness. Sometimes different was just numb and I much preferred numb to the endless pain that I thought was my life. I switched from illegal drugs, to medication assisted therapy (Suboxone), to mental health medications; but none of them solved any of my problems. They were just a band aid covering the real issue, me. I was my own problem, I was the only one standing in my way, I was the root of everything that was wrong with my life. I hated the way I felt, I hated my life, I hated a lot of things. So, I changed what seemed like the easiest thing, what I was putting in my body. I stopped taking everything (other than coffee and nicotine hehe). Detoxing from everything isn’t fun, but if it meant I could maybe feel better it’d be worth a shot. I mean I’d already tried putting things in my body to feel better and that wasn’t working so maybe taking things out of it would. By god it seemed to work, so the next phase of my change; change the food that I was putting into my body. I would go long periods without eating and then stuff myself with the most disgusting unhealthy things. I started eating regularly and much more healthy. Guess what? I started feeling even better. Move onto the next phase: I started exercising. I started off with some easy workouts I found on YouTube and different workout apps and you’re not gonna believe this shit…I STARTED TO FEEL EVEN FUCKING BETTER! And then to the next phase; since I was feeling physically better and mentally clear, it was time to focus on me. It was time to dig deep and try to find the root of internal pain and learn how to process through that so I could break this ugly cycle I had been trapped in. And guys you’re not gonna believe this shit! I’m back and better than ever. I finally feel like me again. For some people medication of some sort might be necessary, I would never suggest you stop any sort of treatment without consulting your doctor. But for me, I was seeking external solutions to internal problems. I was placing band aids on the surface when I was bleeding internally. There is no easy path to healing and happiness. I was able to find myself within myself. Healing takes time and conscious effort and it wasn’t something I was able to do while I was trying to numb myself with drugs of any kind. For the first time in a very long time I finally feel free, I finally feel like me.

I think everyone is aware that kids are fucking gross and if you’re thinking “my kids aren’t gross” you’re a fucking liar because all kids are gross. I don’t mean that in a bad way at all, it’s just a fact. Before I had kids I always said I’d never be able to deal with snot, or vomit, or shit, or sticky everything, or not having personal space. I come before you today to tell you that’s all complete bullshit now. After you have kids that all changes. My two tiniest babies are sick; diarrhea and puke EVERYWHERE. Last night on my way to my moms my tiny princess shit through her entire outfit, all over herself, her car seat, and her daddy (who unwittingly pulled her out of her seat before the catastrophe was apparent). We brought her inside, I stripped her down, and gave her an emergency bath, and then scrubbed shit out of her car seat with baby wipes (I did throw the outfit away because fuck that). Then on our way home she’s a screaming maniac and pukes all over herself! I pull her out of her car seat and she throws up again, this time all over me. So, I held her the rest of the way home, both of us covered in puke and she again got another emergency bath while her daddy tore apart her now very dirty and smelly car seat to be washed. She had diarrhea all night and all morning, she cried and coughed and sneezed all night. She insisted on using my entire body as a tissue, beat up her daddy in her sleep all night, shared my pillow and coughed in my face all night long. Kids are fucking gross, but I’ve never been happier to catch vomit in my hands, scrub shit off another human being, or use my own outfit as tissue. I never thought I’d enjoy seeing sticky handprints all over the recently cleaned floors. I never thought I’d love having another person constantly in my bubble. The things I thought would irritate the shit out of me or that I found too gross to handle are just normal things in my life today. My personal bubble doesn’t exist; Arie showers with me frequently, we share a pillow, she’s constantly trying to crawl in back into my vagina I swear to god. Kaja is still just little but I’ve been pissed and shit on more times than I can count, his chunky milk burps in my face are adorable and he would absolutely prefer to sleep on that same pillow I share with Arie than in his own bed and most mornings Jaxton wakes up and comes into our room to snuggle in bed with all of us. Every disgusting bit of my life is a fucking blessing; every leaking shitty diaper, every runny nose across my outfit, every handful of puke, every wet kiss, every hot sweaty snuggle, every sticky icky hand print, and every sassy retort. Kids are gross and they make me gross, but being a mom makes me feel more beautiful than anything in the entire world. These little people don’t see what’s on the outside, their loving little eyes bore right down to my soul. I love every sticky icky, snotty, pukey, poopy, wonderful, beautiful moment.

I’ve been posting weekly updates on instagram of my physique changes since having my son and figured I should probably post it here too because it seems relevant. Monday was my one month postpartum mark. Before I got pregnant with my son I was 120lbs (5’3 tall) and too skinny; I never worked out, I didn’t eat right, I was all in all unhealthy. I left the hospital at 152lbs and Monday I weighed in at 134lbs, which is what I’ve weighed for the last two weeks now. The goal for me isn’t weight loss; it’s eating right, it’s losing fat, it’s gaining muscle, and just being an all around healthier person. I’m proud of the progress I’ve made, I’m happy with how I look, I’m happy with how exercising daily and eating right make me look and feel. I’ve made great strides in loving myself and my body. Take care of your body and it’ll take care of you 💕

If you haven’t heard of Father Greg Boyle I highly suggest doing some research. I had never heard of the man until a few weeks ago when my mother in law said he would be speaking at our church. My husband was immediately excited and said a book he had written was on every book cart in the jail (I can’t confirm nor deny this because I only ever sought out Stephen King books). Father Boyle runs THE LARGEST gang intervention and rehabilitation program IN THE WORLD; Homeboy Industries. His revolutionary idea? Boundless compassion to the humans most people consider throw aways. When we went to go hear him speak last night I entered the church with a sort of hopeful skepticism. I wasn’t entirely sure what to expect from him or his “homies”. What I got was much more powerful than anything I could’ve imagined. Father Boyle is genuinely one of the most beautiful human beings I’ve ever had the pleasure of sharing a room with. The way he spoke pure love, kindness, and compassion was nothing short of captivating. Father Boyle started Homeboy Industries because he saw a need that to that point didn’t have a good solution. The gang violence in California in the late ‘80s and ‘90s was at a record high and the states solution was mass incarceration; throwing these people away. Father Boyle saw the issue was that these people were broken and didn’t know anything other than survival. He offered them refuge, created a safe haven for all, created jobs, offered nonjudgmental healing and the broken flocked to him. He did what no one thought possible and no one else dared to even try. He offered love and compassion to the ones society thought were too far gone and it worked. He started off with the thought that an employed gang member was less likely to reoffend, but soon realized that a healed gang member would never reoffend. Father Boyle is healing entire families with his work and helping so many break the cycle of violence, drug abuse, and incarceration that has plagued so many families for generations. Why? Because he saw these people just as they are; broken, hurting, lost, and forgotten people. He gave them a second chance, he let them know they have value, he gave them a voice and let them be seen for who they really are. He had a calling and he followed it and is quite literally changing the world with love and kindness. I hope to one day be able to help even a fraction of the people he has, but I hope to emulate his selflessness and boundless compassion in all things I do. He is a radiant beam of light to all that seek him. I am truly grateful that we got to hear him speak, I am in awe of the power of love.

There are people in my life that I realize have been put here to test me, but I’m beginning to realize I may have misunderstood the test. I have hurt my own feelings and ruined my own day far too many times expecting different from someone who’s proven over and over again that they aren’t willing to change. I’ve been trying to level up and release that I wish to possess, but with some people I feel like I’ve been holding the door open to their feeble whimpering only to have them slam my fingers in the door. I see where I’ve been fucking up is I keep opening the fucking door with a smile hoping they’re not going to do it again knowing full well that’s exactly what’s going to happen and then getting upset over it. You can’t reason with someone who is set on misunderstanding you. Some people are so stuck in the past wallowing in their own self pity they’d rather bring everyone around them down to their level rather than trying to raise their own. There’s no way to argue, reason, or negotiate with someone like this because no matter what they’re going to be the victim in every situation. It’s incredibly frustrating to watch and be a part of because no matter the situation they make you feel as if you’ve wronged them somehow and nothing you ever do will be good enough. It’s damn near emotional abuse and the true test here is not to endure the abuse while trying to get them to see the light. The test is to offer them a way up and if they refuse understand that not everyone is ready to change. Even if you can see their worth and see the life they’re living isn’t even close to as good as you know it could be; if they aren’t ready then you’re wasting your time, your energy, and your own well-being pouring into a black hole. I will no longer waste my efforts on people that are not receptive to any kind of help. I by no means have any ill will towards them and I truly do wish them the best and I look forward to the day that they do realize they deserve better, but until then I will just quietly release love for them from a distance. Misery loves company and I will no longer entertain or invite it.