Babies are weird

Let me start this off with a disclaimer: I love my kids more than life itself, this post is my no means intended to say otherwise, but to just explain the weirdness that is having a baby. Understood? Okay. I’ve given birth to two babies, my daughter who will be one next month and my son who is just a little over two weeks old. Labor and delivery for these two was vastly different, as were the emotions. I always wanted to have babies, but I never thought it would happen because I was 26 and it just never happened. So, when I got pregnant with Ariann I was elated! So was my husband, who up until this point had 4 sons. Fast forward now to the day I had her. My water broke at home on my couch the morning of her due date, we went to the hospital and I wanted to try and have her without an epidural. Huge mistake on my part. After several hours in active labor I opted for the epidural and I had her an hour later. I pushed once and the doctor tossed her onto my chest. She didn’t cry, she just stared at me and I stared back. My mom asked me if I had this big flood of love. Honestly, no, I didn’t. As we sat there staring at each other I was just in disbelief. Holy fuck there was a person in there and she’s staring at me. I was more shocked and amazed than anything. We were in the hospital only 24 hours and during that time she didn’t go to the nursery at all, she stayed with me the entire time. When we got home with her we lived in a shitty house that was too small, too hot in the summer and too cold in the winter. We had one car and my husband worked nights and Arie was COLICY. I would never shake a baby, but my LORD could I understand how someone would want to. Arie was ear piercingly loud and she cried FOR MONTHS. It was so stressful and exhausting and I felt like I was just going through the motions with everything, completely zombified autopilot. Getting past the colic phase was draining emotionally and physically and it made it extremely hard for me to bond with her. I held her constantly and rocked her and sang to her and told her how much I loved her as I sat crying on the living room floor. She always looked at me with so much love, no matter what, I love that little look in her eye. I look back at that time with a huge sigh of relief because I love her so much, she’s funny, quirky, loving, and tough as nails, but her first few months were a massive struggle! Now fast forward again to being pregnant with my son, he was a huge surprise, more so than his sister. When we found out we were going to have another baby is when we decided we needed to ask for help and make some major changes. That’s when we moved in with my husbands parents (which I can say whole heartedly has been the best decision). Both my pregnancies were very easy, but I fucking hate being pregnant. Now my son was due April 4th but he came early on March 13th. I decided to opt for the epidural right away, but it only worked on my right side. I got half an epidural, so, I felt nearly the entire process. Thank god the labor was relatively quick. When he came he cried briefly and when they put him on my chest he stopped crying and I started. I felt that initial flood of love my mom was talking about and I almost felt bad that I didn’t get to feel that with my daughter immediately. I wanted to keep him with me like I had Arie, but he was early and wasn’t eating or breathing right so they had to take him to the NICU. He was only in there for 6 hours, but I was crushed when they had to take him away. We were in the hospital for 2 days with him and I missed my other kids so much it hurt. When we went home we got to have all of them over immediately and it was great. My son is the exact opposite of his sister in every way. He is small and quiet and so chill! I keep wondering if this is normal because Arie was so much different. But he’s perfect in every way, he’s just a different baby than his sister. He stares at me with that same loving look that Arie has and I’m so blessed to have him and I’m so grateful that he is calm and easy going because his sister is a spitfire through and through. One thing that strikes me is that when he cries my boobs leak and that never happened with Arie, probably because she never stopped crying. The point of this post is to say that just because we experience things differently with different kids doesn’t affect the way we feel towards them. Nothing is normal when it comes to childbirth. The hormones and emotions are insane and just because you don’t have the same experiences as someone else doesn’t mean you’re doing something wrong. Pregnancy is weird, babies are weird. Everything is going to be weird for a while. Ask for help when you need it, give yourself a break, don’t judge yourself or your feelings harshly. You are doing great, just love your babies the best way you know how and enjoy the journey.