I’ve experienced a lot of death in my life, but it’s never something I’ve been truly present for. You know what I mean? Like, I’ve always expected death to happen, but I always had a way to numb it and generally these deaths were so sudden. I’ve never really experienced and been present for a long and sad death. We have a friend who I consider like a grandfather to our children who’s sick and dying. He’s been sick for quite a while now and up until recently I was in denial. It’s not happening if I refuse to acknowledge it…right? Wrong. He’s dying and I really don’t know what to do or how to feel or what to say. I’m at a loss. I’ve never had to do this before. I want to be angry at the universe for taking one of the most amazing humans I’ve ever known away from us, but what does that solve? Sad isn’t even the right word for what I feel. I’m very thankful that we got to have him in our life for the time that we did, but it’s not fair that his life is being cut short. I hope he knows how thankful we are for him even though I don’t know if we’ve shown our appreciation enough. I hope he knows he’s made such a difference in our lives. I don’t know how to feel or how to process it, so I can’t even begin to imagine how he feels right now. I just want to know what do to. I don’t know how to do any of this and I don’t want to go on pretending it’s not happening until it’s too late. Maybe there’s no right answer. Maybe there’s no right way to feel. Maybe there’s no right way to mourn. But I don’t even know where to begin. In a lot of cultures a person’s death isn’t mourned, instead their life is celebrated as they reunite with the creator. I love that. Mourning feels selfish. The way I see it, it’s sad for us here, but where he’s headed there’s no more pain, no more sadness, no more suffering. But selfishly I want him to stay.
How do you deal with death?
I’m Working on It 
Of all the issues people come to see me for, I think grief is one of the more complicated of the lot. Grief is complex and ever changing, and no there is no way to move through it that is any more correct than any other. The truth is that grief is a cycle that contains five primary emotions: denial, sadness, anger, bargaining, and acceptance. There are many myths about this cycle and I think the most prominent of those is that the grief cycle is a linear path one must navigate, step by step. The truth is more like the grief cycle is an iron ring and your poor heart is a ping pong ball bouncing around inside from emotion to emotion. You can and likely will, revisit emotions you thought you had finished up with, you may stop and stay in one emotion for extended periods while other emotions you will barely touch down in before moving on to the next.
Grief can be extremely difficult to process but you will find two truths as you walk this path: little by little, day by day, it will get easier. Maybe only a tiny almost imperceivable amount but it will get easier. Eventually, with enough time, you will not hurt or struggle with your emotions all the time, but then there is the second truth. This loss will always hurt and I think it should as your pain is a direct reflection of your love for this person. When you think about it, you will feel some measure of the pain you are currently experiencing, but again day by day even that experience will get easier.
As for how to handle your pain now, you said this person is still with you? Then spend as much time with him as you can. If he is still capable of speaking talk with him, ask him questions, help him accept the inevitable of his situation. Not only is he too grieving the pending loss of his life, he is likely experiencing some measure of fear. Human beings are inherently afraid of the unknown and your dear friend is approaching confrontation with the greatest of unknowns. Be present with him, not focused on your pain but on his. You will get your turn to hurt, now is his turn.
Lastly if you truly believe he is off to a better place than what better message, what better gift, to bring to him than the strength of your conviction? You. Luke even ask him to scout this other place out for you and find a good spot for your eventual reunion….
Just a suggestion.
LikeLiked by 1 person
This made me cry. Thank you so very much. This was so incredibly helpful 💕
LikeLiked by 1 person
Hello Taylor,
Your writings are well written and many of them I find myself in them. What you wrote today reminded me of my brother your Uncle Jon who suffers with Lewy Body Disease. I too know he is dieing, I too ask God or as you say created power for healing and a miracle and I too ask to take him so he suffers no more. I’m sad, mad, and torn. Every death we experience hits us differently. We go through the steps of disbelief, anger, numbness, shock and so many more feelings. And those feelings you feel are okay!
I’m sorry to hear about your dear friend❤️🙏🏼❤️. Aunt Nancy
LikeLiked by 1 person
I love you 💕 thank you
LikeLike
I was born into death, so in a sense it’s always been part of life for me. I’ve been through the death of several close family members. Each time hit me differently. But honestly, I still don’t know what to do with it. Grief is complicated!
LikeLike
I know you asked about death, more specifically. Here’s something I wrote about grief not so long ago…
LikeLike
So sorry for this slow loss experience you are going through. Our culture tends to avoid facing this kind of grief but it is a reality. I worked through a book called The Grief Recovery Workbook that was so helpful for me after my mother died. Later when I lost other loved ones, especially when I knew they were going through a slow death like your friend, I was able to use some of the principles before the death to let them know how much they had been an influence and it also helped me to express this love in a mindful way. I highly recommend the book; it is mostly a series of exercises you go through.
Take care of yourself. This is a rough time.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Thank you!! I’ll have to check it out! 💕
LikeLike
I’m so sorry for your loss 🥺 I lived in Thailand for a while and attended a funeral for a friend’s father-an amazingly kind soul. I knew that death was viewed as a celebration in Thai Bhuddist culture (for the reasons you stated) but did not realize that mourning at the ceremony was disrespectful. It really helped solidify my understanding of it and I couldnt agree more that it’s somewhat selfish to mourn and wish for them to come back. I don’t follow a religion but I love the idea of taking time to process and grieve, while also honoring the possibility that the dead go to a more pleasant happy place and we should be happy for them and celebrate their accomplishments and the joys they brought us. I hope you find peace 💛
LikeLiked by 1 person