Psychoanalyze this

When I was younger I used to be riddled with anxiety, almost to the point of crippling me. As I got older I made the decision to not let my anxiety control me. I decided to no longer let things that were out of my control destroy me mentally, almost to a fault at this point. I’ve decided if it isn’t going to ruin my life or cause long term problems then fuck it. My memory is absolute trash so instead of worrying about missing something or being late I have calendar events and alarms for literally everything. I have half a dozen kids, 2 of them in diapers, and even before that I ran consistently late. Who cares? Me being late isn’t going to kill anyone, at least I showed up. Whoops I forgot to get myself dressed at least the kids look nice. Totally forgot to brush my teeth, oh well I think there’s gum in the truck. These are things that would RUIN my day before. I mean it’s inconvenient now, but it’s whatever. Now, that being said I still get anxious, but it’s not a day ruin-er by any means. I was talking to my mom and I didn’t realize this until she said something about it. There is one thing that causes me absolutely crippling anxiety still, my kids choking. My mom has her PHD (abd) in psychology and is a therapist and she was wondering why that is. I kind of explained it to her about my brother choking once when I was little and her response was that I should do EMDR about it. Well, I think that’s a bunch of crap (it might work for some people but I’ve tried and I think it’s dumb) so, I analyzed it myself over the last few days. Let me go back to my brother choking. I was probably 5/6 and my brother was probably 1/2. My mom was at work or school (it felt like she was always gone at work or school). It was dark out, Jake’s dad had fallen asleep on the toilet pooping and Jake and I were playing under the kitchen table and he found a tiny piece of a hard shell taco and tried to eat it. I’m not sure how the hell he choked on it, but he did. He stood up fast and banged his head under the table, when he looked at me his face was turning purple and his eyes were huge and terrified and he started to run. He was running like someone was electrocuting him but making no noise and I had no idea what to do or how to help. I ran to bathroom and woke up his dad and he started yelling at me like it was my fault. The last thing I remember is him running out of the bathroom holding his pants up with one hand and chasing after Jake. Jake is alive and well, so don’t worry. Fun fact I still don’t like hard shell tacos. I’ve always said it’s because they’re gross and hurt my teeth, but after some thought maybe it’s because I associate them with that experience. Fast forward to my little sister. I’m probably 11 and she’s around 1. She’s always been a drama queen and when she was small she choked on everything and my parents were never phased by it. They always just said “she’s fine she just does that”. It was horrifying to me especially in the car when my parents couldn’t see her and I could. She’d choke on whatever snack or drink she had and they wouldn’t do anything. She was buckled into her little car seat facing away from them and I couldn’t unbuckle her or pat her back and they would just say she’s fine. Well, I can see her and she doesn’t seem fine and I’m freaking out because why the fuck would you give her something she can choke on in the car, where you can’t see her, where she’s buckled in and hard to get to. I used to have incredibly vivid nightmares about Emma choking and when I’d try to help her she’d smack my hands away and when I’d yell at my parents to help me they’d yell “she’s fine” or “figure it out”. Emma is also alive and well. Through reflecting on all this I’ve come to learn that choking terrifies me because 1. It’s unavoidable because children have to eat food to live, it’s scientifically proven I think 2. I don’t know what to do in a situation where someone is choking 3. It makes me feel small and out of control 4. I don’t do well under pressure, I freeze because I associate pressure with high stress situations from when I was younger where I was yelled at for my reaction or things I couldn’t control 5. I feel I’m able to avoid, handle, or remedy most other situations, so the fact that choking is something that I can’t prevent (to a degree) only resolve, but one that I have no idea how to resolve properly is terrifying. So, yes, my children choking scares the fuck out of me to the point where thinking of it makes me cry because I feel that it’s something that could result in the death of a child if I don’t preform adequately. That seems insane right? But that’s how my brain works. I could probably remedy some of that anxiety by taking a class on CPR and learning the heimlich.