Want a drink?

Something I’ve never understood is the glamorization of social drinking in this country. I don’t get why we associate going out with out friends/family/whoever with getting drunk. Maybe it’s because I’m someone who’s never been able to have “just a couple” of anything, but I still don’t understand why that’s a necessity for having a good time. There’s never been a time in my life where I’ve looked at a group of shit faced people and thought “man I’m missing out”. I am an addict, there’s not a substance on this planet that I use to just “have fun”. Once I start I lose control, because I am addicted to escaping. I am addicted to losing my myself. I am addicted to hiding from my problems. I am addicted to running from real life. I am at my core a deeply sad person which translates out loud into anger. There was a point in my life where the sadness enveloped me and the anger controlled me and the substances subdued me. I walked around most my life in a substance induced dreamlike haze. There are countless days and nights I don’t remember and many many more just fragmented beyond recognition. I felt terrible constantly inside and out. Everything hurt down to my soul. So, forgive me if I don’t understand social drinking. Now that I love myself and my life I really don’t get it. I don’t get wanting to lose control in the name of a good time. I don’t understand feeling like shit for the sake of a good time. I don’t understand endangering lives because of a good night. I genuinely don’t understand the use of any substance to have a good time, because I never used them to have a good time. I used them because I needed to feel different than I did right then. Nothing about it was fun. Nothing about it was a good time. I never associate alcohol with a good time because nothing good has ever come from it for me, nothing good happened, I didn’t have any more fun because of it. When I see people drinking casually I honestly think “good for them” because I can’t, I don’t want to, and I won’t. I will never and have never been the life of a party when I’m drinking. Get me drinking and I am the death of the party, I am the death of the night, I am the death of your good time; because I don’t drink to have fun, I drink to escape. No length of time, no amount of sobriety, no special occasion will ever change the fact that I can’t use any substance socially or casually. Alcohol may not have been my drug of choice, but it’d certainly get the job done. So, there is my long winded reason why I don’t drink. One is too many and a thousand is never enough.