Love is an action not just a feeling

I was listening to a podcast recently and the whole topic of the show that day was a Dear Jane article written by a man. This guy had written and said something along the lines of he and his wife had been married for several years and gave a couple kids together and she’s gained 50+ pounds. He said that she no longer works out and eats like shit and that he loves her very much but he’s not physically attracted to her anymore. He said what first attracted him to her was her athletic physique and her desire to take care of herself and that she no longer does these things and he wanted to know how to bring this up to her without hurting her. Well, as expected the women of the internet RIPPED this poor man apart and I don’t understand why. Here’s my perspective on the situation. Physical attraction is a key component of any relationship. He was attracted to the way she looked. They bonded over shared interests of eating healthy and working out. After getting married and having kids she quit doing the things they had first bonded over and what had initially made her attractive to him. For a relationship to work you have to keep dating your spouse. You have to keep doing the things that brought you together. You can’t just stop doing those things once you’re married with children, that’s not fair to your spouse. You can’t be exactly what they want you to be in the beginning and then be something entirely different later on and then wonder why your relationship is failing. You don’t fall out of love, either one or both of you just quits trying. My relationship for example; what first drew me to my husband was how he looked. I was used to people needing to get attention by any means necessary. I was used to be people sucking all the oxygen out of the room like an open flame. When I first saw Wyatt he was the exact opposite. He didn’t seek attention, but he definitely got it. He was this giant muscular man with tons of tattoos and piercing blue eyes and he only spoke when he needed too with this deep and booming yet quiet voice. When he walked in the room you noticed him because his presence commanded respect. And when he spoke to me I felt special and noticed because he didn’t speak much in the presence of other. And when he was with me he wasn’t cold and hard, I got to see him when he was soft and warm and loved him immediately. And now nearly 5 years, 2 more kids, and officially married our relationship is still like it was when we first started dating. We still do the things we bonded over. And we still try new things. And we still take care of each other. And we still learn new things. For Father’s Day the kids and I got him a gym membership so he can go workout uninterrupted by the normal household craziness. When he wants to try out a new diet, I support him by doing it with him (with a bit more cheating). When he leaves for work and I bring the kids to daycare, I meditate and get a small workout in because it’s important even after years together and children to take care of yourself and be physically attractive to your partner. There’s nothing vain about that, everyone wants to be physically attractive to their partner. Everyone wants a partner that they are proud to show off (my husband is a total stud btw). And he continues to show his love for me by knowing me better than I know myself most days. For example the other day I was having a meltdown because it was just too loud upstairs and I was trying to clean and the kids were yelling and the TV was on and I’m pretty sure my exact quote was “I just need it to be quiet for 10 fucking minutes” and his wonderful response was “would you like me to go get your ear plugs?” And then he did and I wore them around the house until the chaos inside me calmed down. Another example from when we were at my family’s cabin this weekend. I was cooking lunch and he was trying to ask me something and I just wasn’t getting it and I stormed off to continue cooking after throwing my hands up and saying “I must be stupid because I don’t get what the fuck your asking me!” And a few minutes later he comes into the kitchen where I’m nearly crying into the bacon for no reason and he feeds me a piece of bacon then walks away. And then he comes up behind me and shoved half a chocolate bar in my face and whispers “you aren’t you when you’re hungry”. And I laughed like and idiot and ate the chocolate bar. And guys just this morning this man texts me and asks if I want to take ballroom dancing lessons! Fuck yeah I do! I’ve never expressed my interest in learning how to dance, but I have always wanted to learn. Hell we didn’t even have a wedding dance because neither of us knows how to dance and making a public spectacle of ourselves feeling completely idiotic and uncomfortable wasn’t our idea of a good first dance. So, he read my mind apparently. He’s signing us up and my in laws up for ballroom dancing lessons. I love him so much. And he clearly loves me so much. Love is not just a feeling, but an action. You have to actively work on loving each other every day. Date your spouse. Don’t get complacent in your relationship. Continue doing the things that brought you together, do new things, learn a thing or two and actively love each other. I am so very grateful to be married to the man that I am. I am so grateful to have someone committed to loving me. I am so grateful to have a man committed to being a great father as well as a partner. I am so grateful that I have someone that is as committed to loving me as hard as I am to loving him.