Sorry for laughing

I met with my PO yesterday and it went great per usual, but she asked me a question and I just laughed at her because I had no idea how to answer it appropriately. She said “Do holidays trigger you? With the 4th July was there any desire to use?” And I looked this woman dead in the face and laughed and replied “Oh, I don’t do that”. She was obviously taken aback by my response because, I’m going make a broad assumption here, she’s not used to dealing with people like myself. She used to people that are tiptoeing through life and sobriety avoiding all things that stir up any kind of mental or emotional trigger that may cause a relapse to jump out from behind any corner. That’s not me. I’m all the way good. And I know that sounds cocky and dangerous, which is why I laughed at her. Because I didn’t have the appropriate words at the time to answer the question in a non concerning way. I’ve thought about her question over the last 24 hours, I mean I really thought about it. Why is it that I’m absolutely confident and solid in my sobriety? Because I’ve found what I spent years looking for in my drug use. I found meaning. Meaning to everything, which in turn has given me hope. Hope, something I never thought actually existed. Let me back up to try and make a little more sense out of this garbled mess of a train of thought. I grew up surrounded by addiction. I also grew up very sad and very angry and very self loathing. I am a person that feels everything VERY deeply. It may not appear that way, but outward apathy is a developed coping mechanism. I’m also most definitely an introvert, which is also probably shocking to most people that know me. My extroverted personality is also a coping mechanism I developed. A manipulation tactic at times. No one knows anything’s wrong if you put on a spectacular show. So, back to growing up. I watched people I loved become people I didn’t recognize, but instead of turning me off to drugs and alcohol I was all the way intrigued. What in the actual fuck had they found that was worth throwing EVERYTHING away OVER AND OVER AND OVER AGAIN. I needed that. I needed to find something like that. Something to give me meaning. Something to give me a reason to keep going even if it was for all the wrong reasons. What I didn’t understand at the time was what you chase in addiction isn’t actually anything worth having. You’re not chasing a good time or a good feeling, well maybe in the beginning, but eventually what you’re chasing is escape. Like I said I feel everything deeply. Growing up I felt anger, sadness, rejection, loneliness all so deeply that happiness wasn’t even a part of the equation. I had no idea what happiness was. I had no idea what hope was. All I knew was pain and drugs and alcohol were an escape from that. It wasn’t until heroin that I really lost myself. Heroin was the be all and end all to YEARS of my existence. It was like when I found it everything stopped. I felt like I had been holding my breath my entire life and was finally able to breathe. It was the worst thing I could’ve ever found. I loved heroin because she blocked out everything. I felt nothing. I was no longer human. She ruined me. And I didn’t notice and didn’t care because I felt nothing. I didn’t know happiness and hope existed. I spent years thinking those were only things for people that could afford to be called eccentric. Hope and happiness weren’t for the likes of me. Oh, how wrong was I? All the way wrong. Through years of incarceration, years of treatment, years of therapy, years of introspection, and years of dedication to something new I’ve found it. This tiny little light at the bottom of this pit of despair. I found hope and once I found it and started to nurture it, it grew and it keeps growing. Hope starts out as something so small and grows into something monumental! I found hope, and through hope I found faith, and through faith I found meaning, and through meaning I found purpose, and through purpose I found myself. And I rather like myself. This person I never used to know and that I used to spend all my time hating, I now love and cherish. So, to my PO, I’m sorry for laughing, but I don’t do that. I don’t get “triggered” anymore. Using is no longer a viable option for any circumstance in my life. I see where I’ve come from and the places I’ve yet to go and going back isn’t an option. I’m working on me, I’m working on my family, and I’m working on sharing this thing called “hope”.