I’m Working on It

Nothing makes me feel closer to god than spending some quality time with nature. That being said getting a cabin in the hills for the whole family for a few days is probably the greatest way to celebrate Easter. We have all 6 of our kids, my in laws, my sister in law with her two kids, my other sister in law, her husband, his parents and 2 dogs in a cabin with 4 bedrooms for two days. To a lot of people this probably sounds a little like hell on earth. To me, though, this is the closest I can get to heaven on earth. Yeah it’s stressful but nothing makes my heart more full than watching to kids and the dogs and my husband run wild and explore instead of being glued to their electronics. We roasted peeps on the bonfire, took the the kids hiking through the snow as high as we could up the hill our cabin is on, hunted for fun rocks, identified different kinds of critter poop, scoped out ideal and not so ideal spots to go sledding. We slipped, we fell, we filled our boots with snow, we got buried up to our nipples in snow, we got some scrapes and bruises and it was so much fun! The only crying was when we got too tired otherwise we laughed and played and made amazing memories. I’m a bit grumpy because my head has been killing me, but I love every second of this. If we could stay out here; where my cell reception is shotty and the internet is slow but the adventures are endless, forever I would do it in a heartbeat. This is where I feel home; surrounded by love and laughs and nature. Thank you god for blessing me with all these people, all this beauty, and the opportunity to spend this time together.

I’ve experienced a lot of death in my life, but it’s never something I’ve been truly present for. You know what I mean? Like, I’ve always expected death to happen, but I always had a way to numb it and generally these deaths were so sudden. I’ve never really experienced and been present for a long and sad death. We have a friend who I consider like a grandfather to our children who’s sick and dying. He’s been sick for quite a while now and up until recently I was in denial. It’s not happening if I refuse to acknowledge it…right? Wrong. He’s dying and I really don’t know what to do or how to feel or what to say. I’m at a loss. I’ve never had to do this before. I want to be angry at the universe for taking one of the most amazing humans I’ve ever known away from us, but what does that solve? Sad isn’t even the right word for what I feel. I’m very thankful that we got to have him in our life for the time that we did, but it’s not fair that his life is being cut short. I hope he knows how thankful we are for him even though I don’t know if we’ve shown our appreciation enough. I hope he knows he’s made such a difference in our lives. I don’t know how to feel or how to process it, so I can’t even begin to imagine how he feels right now. I just want to know what do to. I don’t know how to do any of this and I don’t want to go on pretending it’s not happening until it’s too late. Maybe there’s no right answer. Maybe there’s no right way to feel. Maybe there’s no right way to mourn. But I don’t even know where to begin. In a lot of cultures a person’s death isn’t mourned, instead their life is celebrated as they reunite with the creator. I love that. Mourning feels selfish. The way I see it, it’s sad for us here, but where he’s headed there’s no more pain, no more sadness, no more suffering. But selfishly I want him to stay.

You ever feel like when shit hits the fan it just keeps raining shit? Like when one thing goes wrong literally everything follows suit? That’s exactly how my ENTIRE life had been going for YEARS and it literally NEVER occurred to me that it was ENTIRELY MY FAULT. I blamed everything else on the planet except myself. Everything you put out into the universe is paid back to you. I was putting out every negative vibe there was. Oh poor me, why does this keep happening to me, of course this is happening why wouldn’t it, etc. I was the world’s biggest walking talking dumpster fire playing the world’s smallest violin wondering why all this bad shit keeps coming. You want to know why my life was shit? BECAUSE I WAS ASKING FOR IT! My actions, my thoughts, my energy was all negative and the universe was matching it. Literally the moment we decided that our life was in need of a complete change, everything started changing for the better. I breathe love into myself, everyone around me, and into the universe and that is repaid. There are times when I know I’m being tested. Things just won’t go quite my way or in the way I was hoping and in that moment, I can’t lie, I’m upset. But that being said I try not to react the way I want to immediately, I take the time to reflect on what I could possibly learn from the situation, because everything is a lesson if you choose to learn from it. With that in mind, my reaction to the less than desirable things that happen is dramatically different than it would’ve been 6 short months ago and the outcome of such events is also dramatically different. Some events are out of our control but our reaction to those things is completely within our control. If you can flip the script and try to find the positive in every situation it’s going to dramatically improve your outlook on life. Everything in my life is improving, day by day and it’s not by accident or happenstance. Each improvement has been preceded by a lot of intentional hard work and introspection. If you aren’t happy with how your life is going maybe it’s time to take a good hard look at yourself. Everything begins and ends with YOU.

To everyone I used to love, this is a formal goodbye. For anyone that’s done me wrong, I forgive you. And for anyone I may have wronged, I hope you forgive me. If we no longer speak, if I no longer answer your texts or calls, if I no longer drop by it’s because I can’t. I can’t go on living the life I used to. I am no longer the person you used to know and I don’t plan on falling back into old patterns. I can’t go on associating with the people or places that aren’t congruent with my current trajectory. I say that with no malice. I truly wish everyone the absolute best, I hope that you can understand. I am doing this for me and mine. Finally. Finally, I get it. Finally, I understand that this is what it takes. Finally, I want it bad enough to sever those ties. I never got it before. I never understood how to love from a distance or why it was necessary. I used to look at people doing exactly what I’m doing now and judge them, think of them as weak for not being able to achieve higher while surrounded by the same old shit. I get it now. You can’t stay in same situation and expect different results. So, when I severed ties it’s because I finally understand what I need to do to be the best version of me and I’m sorry you didn’t quite fit into that picture. Distancing ourselves from the chaos was and is the only way out. Making that decision was in no way easy and some days it’s still tough and feels lonely, but that’s only when I get caught in a negative mindset. All in all my life is astonishingly better and I’m happier than I’ve ever been. I hope that each and every one of you attain the happiness I’ve been able to find in the calmness that is now my life. I don’t miss the chaos, I don’t miss the instability, I don’t miss the uncertainty, I don’t miss anything my old life had to offer. I sometimes miss everyone I used to know, but I don’t miss anything that comes with continuing those relationships. Those relationships, no matter how close they were, are the quickest way back down the rabbit hole. So, no matter how tough the decision, I will continue doing what is best for my family and me.

I’ve been trying to explain the concept of fear vs bravery to my 5 year old. I’ve been telling him everyone gets scared…it’s okay to be scared, but you’ve gotta be brave. He’s going to kindergarten this year and he’s scared of getting his shots and he’s scared of going to a new school. We’re going to Florida in May and he’s scared of the airplane and the ocean. I’ve been telling him it’s okay to be scared, but you’ve gotta be brave because new things are always scary. Like with kindergarten and shots it’s new and it’s scary but it’s going to happen because it’s good for you. With the airplane and Florida and the ocean it’s okay to be scared but you’ve gotta be brave because it’s going to be so much fun once you get past that fear. This goes for everyone; it’s okay to be scared, but you’ve gotta be brave. You can’t let fear hold you back from what’s good for you, or new and exciting experiences. I want to tell him that mommy gets scared all the time, but she’s brave and does those things that scare her. I’m scared to have him go to kindergarten, I hope he has fun and learns so much and that all the kids are nice from day one. I’m terrified raising all these tiny humans and I hope I’m doing everything right that I can. I’m scared to go back to work and leave the littlest ones in someone else’s care. I’m scared about not being able to find a job. I’m scared to work with new people and do something new. I’m scared of missing out on any more precious time with all our tiny humans. I’m scared of what the future holds. I’m scared of going for our dreams. Life is scary, because nothing is certain and I’m scared all the time, but I get up and do what I have to and make choices that I think are the best for my family and me and I’m scared I’m going to make the wrong choices. I want to tell him all this, but I know it won’t make a lick of sense to him right now. Just know, son, mommy is scared all the time, but I’m brave because I love you all so much and you deserve the best I can offer you. So, no matter how scared I get I’m going to keep going, for you.

So, I haven’t had job for the better part of the last three years. The last two years mainly because I’ve been very pregnant. I had planned on staying home with our babies because didn’t think daycare would be financially possible. Well, this morning we went to talk to my sons daycare about putting our babies on the waiting list and we were expecting quite a wait as they offer tuition scholarships and are a wonderful Christian based facility. To our surprise they said they could get us in almost immediately! We were both shocked to say the least and to be honest I’m a little disappointed that they were able to get us in so soon…I was hoping to get a few more months at home with my tiny babies. I know that it’s a blessing to get them into such an amazing daycare and I’ll be able to help out financially finally, but I feel like I’m going to miss out on time with them while they’re so small and that makes me sad. And honestly I’m nervous about going back to work not only because I haven’t worked in so long, but I have no idea what I want to do. I logged into Indeed to search for jobs for the first time in a long ass time, reviewed my resume; which has a huge gap in employment now, looked at all the jobs I had previously which equate to a pretty impressive resume all in all that I can’t utilize due to my background and I felt incredibly overwhelmed. I don’t even know where to start. Im fully confident in my ability to interview and get a job. A job is a job and I only plan on doing part time, but I want to do something I enjoy to some extent. Maybe I’m being too picky, maybe I’m overthinking this, maybe I’m looking for excuses; but I’m definitely feeling anxious. I actually haven’t felt this kind of anxiety in a long time and if someone else told me they were feeling this way I’d tell them it’s normal, but it’s just daycare and it’s just a job. There’s nothing to freak out about and I know that, but I don’t appreciate it. I know my littlest ones are going to be safe and taken care of and having fun and I know that me working even part time is going to help my family out astronomically. Today I’m going to sit with this uncomfortable feeling, I’m going to make friends with it, I’m going to conquer it, and I’m going scroll through jobs and apply for anything that seems interesting because you never know what might happen.

I was talking with a friend this morning about how different our lives are and how different we are as people than we were just three short years ago. Three years ago if you’d asked me where I’d be in three years this is absolutely not what I would’ve imagined. Three years ago I was one of the worst versions of myself. Three years ago I was the definition of toxic. Three years ago I was okay with how my life was because it’s all I knew. My life is a million times better now than I ever could’ve imagined. Three years ago at this time I was either just getting out of jail or still on the run, I can’t quite remember which because that’s what most of my adult life consisted of; running and incarceration. If you had asked me how I saw my future my response would’ve been, “I don’t know”. And that was an honest answer. Up until recently I never planned for the future, I lived only for the day because in our life style there may not have been a tomorrow. As I sit here watching a TV show with my husband, our daughter practicing walking, our son already at school, and our tiniest baby snoring on my lap I’m in awe of our life. We’re really doing it, all the things I never though I’d have, never thought I deserved to have. That’s what the whole issue was I think. I didn’t think I was deserving or worthy of happiness. I thought the shit hand I’d been dealt was something I deserved and something I deserved to keep. I didn’t realize that I was well deserving of happiness, we all are. And I didn’t realize that shit hand I’d been dealt was actually a tool for me to use to empower myself and others to achieve more, achieve everything they want if they’re willing to put in the work. You may think you’ve also been dealt a shit hand, but living with it is a choice. You choose to be exactly where you are in life. Your choices alone landed you exactly where you are and you can choose to be anywhere else. Your trials and tribulations can be the fuel to move forward if you put in the effort. This is never the life I imagined I’d have, it’s a helluva lot easier to stick with what you know, and I’m so glad that I decided it was time to change. Life is full of new and beautiful experiences and opportunities you just have to be willing to step out of your comfort zone. Get uncomfortable, go read those self help books, go talk to a therapist, listen to that life coach podcast, research that new diet, try that work out. Do something new, you never know what doors are going to open. I sit here writing this with a lap full of babies, watching tv with the man I love, with a full heart because my life is everything I never knew I wanted. My life is amazing and fulfilling and so different than I ever imagined and I couldn’t be happier.

My husband left for work this morning per usual and the babies and I were sleeping in and I was having the WEIRDEST dream. In this dream I was at my aunt’s house and this house had the smallest split foyer entry you’ve ever seen. I had three daughters all appeared to be about 8ish and my aunt had a daughter about the same age and they all had a friend over and we were trying to raise money for their Girl Scout Troop when their friend’s mom pulled up to pick her up. I went to the front door and opened it. She was parked in this huge white van and she was yelling something I couldn’t hear. I kept shrugging aggressively until this enormous woman got out of the van with an arm load of shit. And when I say shit I mean it was complete garbage; she was carrying a large crate, two gigantic picture frames and some sort of stick with a string on it? And came barging through the front door with all this, nearly knocking me down the stairs, and asked me to hold it all for a second. So, I’m standing there in this much too small entryway, holding the door open with my foot, holding all this shit in my arms, trying not to fall down the stairs to the basement while she huffs and puffs and explains she’s how gonna take all this shit to the pawn shop to help raise money for the troop. Right then my husband calls and wakes me up. I tell him about this bizarre dream (because I don’t dream often, but when I do they’re always fucking weird). I ask him what he thinks it’s about it and this fucking genius goes, “put that shit down and shut the door before you fall down the stairs, stupid”. BAM! That fucking simple. Mind blown. If you don’t get it like I did, let me explain. My subconscious is telling me that I’m holding onto some completely worthless shit that’s holding me back and I’m holding the door inviting it in and I’m at risk of falling because of it. See? Now it’s up to me to figure out what it is that I’m holding on to that I don’t need anymore. That’s my goal for the day find my shit and get rid of it. Our brains and the universe are fucking amazing. There are messages everywhere if you just pay attention. A dream that to me seemed completely ridiculous was actually telling me something pretty important. Both my babies are still asleep, so, after I write this I’m going to sit and meditate and get rid of my shit. If any of you have some worthless shit you’re holding onto I also suggest dropping it before a big broad knocks you down the stairs with it.

Something that drives me nuts is someone who’s identity is fixated in their own unwellness. A person who is constantly looking for something physically, mentally, or emotionally wrong with themselves without the desire to fix it and only the desire to use it as an excuse for their own misery. These kinds of people vibrate at the lowest level and almost suck the energy out of the room. They constantly have an excuse for why their life isn’t what it should be; “oh I have this mental illness so I can’t do that” or “I had this injury in the past and now I can’t” or “I had this past trauma so now I can’t”. It’s constantly “I can’t because..” ITS EXHAUSTING! I don’t understand the desire to be so miserably stuck in the past that you let it dictate your present and future? Why would you want to stay miserable? I know change can be scary but I promise you it’s well worth it to look deep inside, resolve those issues and move the fuck on. It’s time to love yourself, every rotten piece of yourself, and get happy. Quit using your past as a hindrance and use it to empower yourself. And I’m not saying that without experience, I swear. I have been abandoned, beaten, and abused by those who said they loved me. I’ve seen friends die. I’ve lived squatted in my own home without power. Been shot at, kidnapped, and thrown in a trunk. I suffer from a mental illness where in the worst of times I suffer from auditory and visual hallucinations. I suffer from a connective tissue disorder that causes me intense pain some days. I’m a recovering drug addict. So, when I say it’s possible to come back and use your past as motivation to move forward I mean it because I’ve fucking lived it. Quit using your past to hold you back. Don’t wait until tomorrow, don’t negotiate with yourself anymore. You are strong, you are resilient, you are capable. Quit sucking the life out of yourself and everyone around you. Now is the time. Heal what ails you and become a powerhouse.

So, I’m gonna go ahead and give us a pat on the back for our parenting. I’m reading a parenting book at the moment and one of the main sections of the book is about how yelling at children only causes more problems. I’ve said before when I was younger our household was filled with yelling, belittling, and name calling and because of that I wanted a household that would be nothing like that for my children. Don’t get me wrong we are FAR from perfect parents, our household is loud constantly, we cuss a lot, the wrestling might get too intense from time to time, and we absolutely tease each other. That being said, it’s all done with love. My house is filled with love and very very rarely is the yelling ever in anger. I know this to be true because of my children. Examples of what I mean by this: my sister is from time to time a lunatic and she absolutely yells in anger and one time in the car she was yelling about her boyfriend or something and my son piped up “HEY DONT YELL AT MY MOMMY!” And then he cried very hard for a long time because she had scared him. Her loud anger wasn’t directed at me, she was just loudly telling me about how angry she was and he wasn’t used to experiencing that. Similar example my sister was getting frustrated with my mom and my daughter (who is a huge empath) started to cry. Arie is sooo sensitive to other’s emotions, if I cry she cries, if there’s a sad song on she cries, if someone raises their voice she cries. I can also tell that my kids don’t experience genuine loud aggression often because in the midst of angry situations my son is incredibly uncomfortable and trying to find ways to solve the problem; which I find very sweet. My children are sensitive and caring little beings who outpour love and support whenever possible. That’s how I know we’re doing a pretty good job even when sometimes it doesn’t feel like it. Children operate as small mirrors of our own actions. Not going to lie, sometimes they’re assholes but more often than not they are sweet, sassy, smart, and loving and it makes me so proud. I love sitting and watching them interact and seeing what amazing little people they’re growing into. Sometimes I feel like I’ve failed them, but I know that’s not the case because they are the best little humans. It takes a tribe to raise kids and I’d like to say everyone in mine is doing a killer job. And I’d dare to bet you’re doing a killer job too, even when it doesn’t seem like it. If you don’t believe me take a moment, sit back, and watch how your children interact with the world. You’ll be amazed at the job you’re doing.